I have officially decided to talk to Brian on Monday, whether he wants to or not. I have been suffering these passed 2 weeks, and I am tired of it. I am angry, sad, and tired of being tired, sick, nauseous, and heart broken.
I am going to try to see if we can salvage our relationship.
I have been praying every day, and often. God says that if you ask, he will give.
I just hope the right words come out and everything comes into my favor.
I had to go to the clinic yesterday and get a liter and a half of IV fluids because I was so dehydrated, and I almost passed out twice yesterday.
I am on reglan now, so hopefully my appetite and energy will come back. I am tired all the time, even though I am getting adequate sleep.
I have lost 7 pounds already from not eating and throwing up all the time.
Lord Jesus hear my prayer- BRING BRIAN AND I BACK TOGETHER.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
one week, worst week
Last Saturday, Brian and I got into a fight, our first fight ever in 5 months... and he broke up with me. I am heartbroken, I want to crawl up and die, and I feel like someone has stabbed me in the chest and poured acid inside.
I can't eat. And when I do I get sick.
I have diarrhea.
My hands shake all the time.
I am having awful dreams.
I'm always nauseous, like I am now.
I do not know if I can handle this anymore. I don't want to lose him, but I am afraid. I moved here for him, and I told him this. He of course reminded me that he said that I shouldn't move here just for him, which isn't 100% true.
I moved here to have a job, pay off debts, get student loans paid off, and to go back to school. The cherry on top was this beautiful creature named Brian Cannon.
The first 3 months were picture perfect, if you don't account for the fact that he is going through a nasty divorce and child custody. Other than that, he was everything I wanted.
He liked to snuggle on the couch and watch movies. He was funny and goofy and caring. He wanted to spend time with me all the time.
He told me things that branded my mind, and I will never forget them:
He told me more than once that I made him happy. And he told me frequently.
When my sister was here during Iditarod, he told me 2 things that made me 100% sure he was 'the one'.
1. "I miss sleeping with you."
2. "You are my life."
He even got down on his knee and asked Jessica's permission to date me. He told her he would take care of me, never cheat on me, and never hurt me.
He is hurting me right now.
He is so depressed he is holing himself in his house, not getting out, not doing anything.
He has no motivation to see his daughter.
He plays that stupid Everquest game for hours on end without even sleeping.
He lost his lawyer because he cannot afford her anymore.
_____________
He told me Saturday that he wasn't happy. He also told me he didn't think that being in a relationship wasn't what he wanted to be dealing with right now on top of everything.
I asked him after that, "So, you don't want to be with me anymore?"
And he replied, "It's not that. It's not that I don't want to be with you. It's not that at all."
He gave me a hug goodbye, but wouldn't give me a kiss saying that it would be 'too much'.
I walked home in a daze. The whole time Brian and I were talking, I felt the tears, but they wouldn't come out. I wanted him to see me cry. I wanted him to see that I was hurt.
We had no patients at the hospital for 2 days. So all I got to do was sit and think the whole time about it all day. Of course I was a wreck, choking on my tears, laying everything out in the open.
It somehow got back to him that I said he was depressed. From what I understand, this made him upset, and possibly mad and angry with me.
I don't want him to be mad at me, but I hoped it made him realize that he is sick with depression and that he does need to get help. I know he is worried about word getting back to Marlene that he is depressed, and I also do not want that to happen.
Kay came to e on Thursday, and gave me a hug telling me that she was sorry for my broken heart. It was comforting knowing that she was big enough to do that. She also said that he just isn't over Marlene.
He is over her in the romantic sense, but he is still allowing her to have a hold over what he wants to have accomplished in his life. He just isn't making any effort at all. I wish he could see that the only way he will get what he wants is if he fights for it.
I am fighting for him, because that is what I want. He should fight for custody no matter how hard it is if that is what he wants. He should find a new lawyer, and try harder to get what his side of the story is across so that the judge can grant him the win for the divorce.
I know it is around the time for their anniversary. I am sad that this is such a bad time for him, but Wednesday was supposed to be our 5 month anniversary. And on that day, he went to Stephanie's to get his hair cut. She told me she asked him what happened and all he did was blow her off.
I just wonder if he hurts from the break up like I do?
I am giving him as much space as I can give before I lose it eventually and try to contact him for my own sanity.
I haven't called him, texted him, walked by his house, nothing.
Every time I walked down Front Street, I look straight ahead as to not look left to see his house. I am trying to exercise as much self control as possible.
I hope by giving him space he can see that I am trying to give him the time he needs to think about what I mean to him. Of course, I hope it's positive.
I know now that I have never truly been in love. I know he loves me, even if he can't say it. I know he cares about me.
I just pray he can open up his heart, accept the ones who are here for him, and allow us to be some strength for him through this hard time.
I love him, and I don't want to ever give up on him. I feel some people over the passed week shying away from me, as if since we are not together for now, that I no longer matter.
Poor Stephanie yesterday said she felt like she broke up with me too. She felt very badly that she didn't have room to take me to Council. I hope she lives up to her promise to take me the next time they go.
She even suggested trying to get a hold of Brian and seeing if he would take me there. Sure it's nice in theory, but the wound is still fresh and deep, and I don't know what I will do when I see him next.
I hope I don't throw up. That's all I have been doing since I woke up this morning. The nerves and stress of all of this is making me weaker and weaker. I feel like I am sharing his sickness. I don't know if he trows up all the time, has diarrhea, doesn't eat...
All I know is I sleep, and sleep hard. I am tired all the time. My dreams are killing me.
I don't know how to end this post.
I guess it's really true. If you love something, you have to set it free. If it comes back to you it was meant to be.
I can't eat. And when I do I get sick.
I have diarrhea.
My hands shake all the time.
I am having awful dreams.
I'm always nauseous, like I am now.
I do not know if I can handle this anymore. I don't want to lose him, but I am afraid. I moved here for him, and I told him this. He of course reminded me that he said that I shouldn't move here just for him, which isn't 100% true.
I moved here to have a job, pay off debts, get student loans paid off, and to go back to school. The cherry on top was this beautiful creature named Brian Cannon.
The first 3 months were picture perfect, if you don't account for the fact that he is going through a nasty divorce and child custody. Other than that, he was everything I wanted.
He liked to snuggle on the couch and watch movies. He was funny and goofy and caring. He wanted to spend time with me all the time.
He told me things that branded my mind, and I will never forget them:
He told me more than once that I made him happy. And he told me frequently.
When my sister was here during Iditarod, he told me 2 things that made me 100% sure he was 'the one'.
1. "I miss sleeping with you."
2. "You are my life."
He even got down on his knee and asked Jessica's permission to date me. He told her he would take care of me, never cheat on me, and never hurt me.
He is hurting me right now.
He is so depressed he is holing himself in his house, not getting out, not doing anything.
He has no motivation to see his daughter.
He plays that stupid Everquest game for hours on end without even sleeping.
He lost his lawyer because he cannot afford her anymore.
_____________
He told me Saturday that he wasn't happy. He also told me he didn't think that being in a relationship wasn't what he wanted to be dealing with right now on top of everything.
I asked him after that, "So, you don't want to be with me anymore?"
And he replied, "It's not that. It's not that I don't want to be with you. It's not that at all."
He gave me a hug goodbye, but wouldn't give me a kiss saying that it would be 'too much'.
I walked home in a daze. The whole time Brian and I were talking, I felt the tears, but they wouldn't come out. I wanted him to see me cry. I wanted him to see that I was hurt.
We had no patients at the hospital for 2 days. So all I got to do was sit and think the whole time about it all day. Of course I was a wreck, choking on my tears, laying everything out in the open.
It somehow got back to him that I said he was depressed. From what I understand, this made him upset, and possibly mad and angry with me.
I don't want him to be mad at me, but I hoped it made him realize that he is sick with depression and that he does need to get help. I know he is worried about word getting back to Marlene that he is depressed, and I also do not want that to happen.
Kay came to e on Thursday, and gave me a hug telling me that she was sorry for my broken heart. It was comforting knowing that she was big enough to do that. She also said that he just isn't over Marlene.
He is over her in the romantic sense, but he is still allowing her to have a hold over what he wants to have accomplished in his life. He just isn't making any effort at all. I wish he could see that the only way he will get what he wants is if he fights for it.
I am fighting for him, because that is what I want. He should fight for custody no matter how hard it is if that is what he wants. He should find a new lawyer, and try harder to get what his side of the story is across so that the judge can grant him the win for the divorce.
I know it is around the time for their anniversary. I am sad that this is such a bad time for him, but Wednesday was supposed to be our 5 month anniversary. And on that day, he went to Stephanie's to get his hair cut. She told me she asked him what happened and all he did was blow her off.
I just wonder if he hurts from the break up like I do?
I am giving him as much space as I can give before I lose it eventually and try to contact him for my own sanity.
I haven't called him, texted him, walked by his house, nothing.
Every time I walked down Front Street, I look straight ahead as to not look left to see his house. I am trying to exercise as much self control as possible.
I hope by giving him space he can see that I am trying to give him the time he needs to think about what I mean to him. Of course, I hope it's positive.
I know now that I have never truly been in love. I know he loves me, even if he can't say it. I know he cares about me.
I just pray he can open up his heart, accept the ones who are here for him, and allow us to be some strength for him through this hard time.
I love him, and I don't want to ever give up on him. I feel some people over the passed week shying away from me, as if since we are not together for now, that I no longer matter.
Poor Stephanie yesterday said she felt like she broke up with me too. She felt very badly that she didn't have room to take me to Council. I hope she lives up to her promise to take me the next time they go.
She even suggested trying to get a hold of Brian and seeing if he would take me there. Sure it's nice in theory, but the wound is still fresh and deep, and I don't know what I will do when I see him next.
I hope I don't throw up. That's all I have been doing since I woke up this morning. The nerves and stress of all of this is making me weaker and weaker. I feel like I am sharing his sickness. I don't know if he trows up all the time, has diarrhea, doesn't eat...
All I know is I sleep, and sleep hard. I am tired all the time. My dreams are killing me.
I don't know how to end this post.
I guess it's really true. If you love something, you have to set it free. If it comes back to you it was meant to be.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
answers
So, I finally decided to go to Brian's today, determined to get some answers, and I am truly glad that I waited until now to confront him.
I texted him while walking out of work and he did not answer. I decided to just go ahead and see about talking to him, and tell him how I feel.
As I walked in, he was in his bedroom, trying to fix his dryer. He unfortunately was unsuccessful, which made him frustrated, and therefore, did not help his mood, wile I already saw as very dismal.
He sa down in front of me, and I got his eyes to mine, and I told him that I KNEW HE WAS DEPRESSED< I knew what he was going through, and that I needed him to tell me what I could do in the situation to help in any way I can.
Of course, he doesn' want me to do anything, as in his current state, he does not feel like trying anything would be Worth any good. He told me he was going to see a head doctor soon, and did in fact admit that he was depressed.
We didn't exchange too many words, but he stated he thinks he will lose the divorce, and lose his daughter and have to pay child support. I told him I would help in any way I could, and even though he told me not to worry about it. I am going to anyways. I am going to call lawyers, anyone I can to get some answers. I think he will feel better tomorrow if he gets to see his daughter.
I had to cut this short, as I called my mother to talk about it.
I texted him while walking out of work and he did not answer. I decided to just go ahead and see about talking to him, and tell him how I feel.
As I walked in, he was in his bedroom, trying to fix his dryer. He unfortunately was unsuccessful, which made him frustrated, and therefore, did not help his mood, wile I already saw as very dismal.
He sa down in front of me, and I got his eyes to mine, and I told him that I KNEW HE WAS DEPRESSED< I knew what he was going through, and that I needed him to tell me what I could do in the situation to help in any way I can.
Of course, he doesn' want me to do anything, as in his current state, he does not feel like trying anything would be Worth any good. He told me he was going to see a head doctor soon, and did in fact admit that he was depressed.
We didn't exchange too many words, but he stated he thinks he will lose the divorce, and lose his daughter and have to pay child support. I told him I would help in any way I could, and even though he told me not to worry about it. I am going to anyways. I am going to call lawyers, anyone I can to get some answers. I think he will feel better tomorrow if he gets to see his daughter.
I had to cut this short, as I called my mother to talk about it.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
relapse
Brian is sort of back o being an occasional asshole, and not comprehend what he is doing.
Saturday, after I had suggested on Friday we go to the movie, he went along and went with Josh, and not asking me to come along.
The only person I told was Missy. I gave an edited version to Stephanie. I am still pissed that I cannot find the balls to confront him in a non-confrontational way.
I am trying to figure out what to do. Hopefully I can actually go to church this weekend and get some direction.
I know he's depressed, and I know he cares for me. I really do think that if I could hear him tell me he loves me, I would feel alot better. I just know I cant hang on much longer.
I got him a really nice father's day card, so hopefully that will open him up a bit.
I really want to kill Marlene. Hopefully, she will get found guilty when she goes to court, and everything will be better when Brian can get is daughter full time.
I will pray for that as hard as I can at church. I will pray for God to guise me in the direction I need to go with everything.
Saturday, after I had suggested on Friday we go to the movie, he went along and went with Josh, and not asking me to come along.
The only person I told was Missy. I gave an edited version to Stephanie. I am still pissed that I cannot find the balls to confront him in a non-confrontational way.
I am trying to figure out what to do. Hopefully I can actually go to church this weekend and get some direction.
I know he's depressed, and I know he cares for me. I really do think that if I could hear him tell me he loves me, I would feel alot better. I just know I cant hang on much longer.
I got him a really nice father's day card, so hopefully that will open him up a bit.
I really want to kill Marlene. Hopefully, she will get found guilty when she goes to court, and everything will be better when Brian can get is daughter full time.
I will pray for that as hard as I can at church. I will pray for God to guise me in the direction I need to go with everything.
Friday, June 5, 2009
And to boot, a friend asked me the other day when Brian and I were going to start trying to have babies.
Of course I am so damn honest, I couldn't sabotage Brian and get pregnant on purpose.
Hell, we haven't even told each other "I love you". This still bugs me. I hope it's soon. I have this little plan that I should be 'sleeping' and he kisses me goodbye and I sleepily slip out 'Love you'....I have been unsuccessful :(
If by our 5 month anniversary I haven't heard anything, I will just up and blurt it out. I figure that's enough time.
I love Brian Robert Cannon, and I will stand by my commitment to him to be supportive in any way I can.
I am already practicing what would be marriage vows.
Better or worse.
Richer or poorer.
Sickness and health.
All of it.
Of course I am so damn honest, I couldn't sabotage Brian and get pregnant on purpose.
Hell, we haven't even told each other "I love you". This still bugs me. I hope it's soon. I have this little plan that I should be 'sleeping' and he kisses me goodbye and I sleepily slip out 'Love you'....I have been unsuccessful :(
If by our 5 month anniversary I haven't heard anything, I will just up and blurt it out. I figure that's enough time.
I love Brian Robert Cannon, and I will stand by my commitment to him to be supportive in any way I can.
I am already practicing what would be marriage vows.
Better or worse.
Richer or poorer.
Sickness and health.
All of it.
My Brian is Back
At least for now. Over the passed few days, he has been the fun and goofy man that I fell in love with.
I had figured it all out.
Brian is depressed. It just clicked. Monday and Tuesday I stopped by and he was sleeping and unable to arouse. I realized he had been doing nothing but sleeping, not taking care of himself, not eating, playing on the computer, not talking, etc...
Even his sexual performance has suffered a little. It all clicks. I ran into his mom yesterday as well, and we both agree that he is in trouble. I don't think he needs meds, but he does need to talk about it. I hope we can get him out of this slump.
I am hoping that a ray of sunshine will come when Marlene goes to trial over her felony charges. If she goes to jail, Brian will get his little girl and hopefully the divorce will speed up.
We both hate, and along with everyone else, that his divorce won't be final until November.
I want to marry him and start having children. I am ready to start the life I know I deserve.
I had figured it all out.
Brian is depressed. It just clicked. Monday and Tuesday I stopped by and he was sleeping and unable to arouse. I realized he had been doing nothing but sleeping, not taking care of himself, not eating, playing on the computer, not talking, etc...
Even his sexual performance has suffered a little. It all clicks. I ran into his mom yesterday as well, and we both agree that he is in trouble. I don't think he needs meds, but he does need to talk about it. I hope we can get him out of this slump.
I am hoping that a ray of sunshine will come when Marlene goes to trial over her felony charges. If she goes to jail, Brian will get his little girl and hopefully the divorce will speed up.
We both hate, and along with everyone else, that his divorce won't be final until November.
I want to marry him and start having children. I am ready to start the life I know I deserve.
Monday, June 1, 2009
I still feel hurt. I have been awake for over an hour and a half now, with nothing more to do than fart around.
I took a pregnancy test this morning, and for the first time in my history of taking pregnancy tests, I was sad to only see one line. I am in such a state to where I want to be married with kids it's killing me.
I still, of course, haven't told Brian about anything that I feel, and I am hoping that I have to the guts to do it soon, before I go insane.
Today is our 4 month anniversary. I seriously doubt he knows this, but I hope to refresh his memory this evening.
I still don't know how I am going to go about doing any of this. I am so scared of conflict.
I just realized that out of the 5 weeks I have been here in Nome, he has stayed in twice on a Saturday to play that fucking Everquest game. How much he plays it isn't healthy.
I want to talk to someone about how bad this all hurts me, but I don't know who to tell. I have worked up Brian so much that I am afraid to let anyone down about him, or even let them know I am feeling unhappy.
I wish I knew what to do.
I took a pregnancy test this morning, and for the first time in my history of taking pregnancy tests, I was sad to only see one line. I am in such a state to where I want to be married with kids it's killing me.
I still, of course, haven't told Brian about anything that I feel, and I am hoping that I have to the guts to do it soon, before I go insane.
Today is our 4 month anniversary. I seriously doubt he knows this, but I hope to refresh his memory this evening.
I still don't know how I am going to go about doing any of this. I am so scared of conflict.
I just realized that out of the 5 weeks I have been here in Nome, he has stayed in twice on a Saturday to play that fucking Everquest game. How much he plays it isn't healthy.
I want to talk to someone about how bad this all hurts me, but I don't know who to tell. I have worked up Brian so much that I am afraid to let anyone down about him, or even let them know I am feeling unhappy.
I wish I knew what to do.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
love woes
Ever since I have been back to Nome, I have been having a hard time with Brian. I am hoping that the feeling of making a huge mistake will soon pass me by, and I will laugh at it later.
Tomorrow will be 4 months that we have been together. He still hasn't told me he loves me, nor have I, but I am leaving that to him, since he is obviously the one who needs to catch up in that department.
I am thinking that before I left, he was weary that there would be a chance I wouldn't be coming back, and therefore, he was more attuned to spending time with me.
Now, he doesn't really call me, or text me, which he didn't do much of when I was in TN. This doesn't help with my self esteem at all. I go over to his house almost every day, I spend the night over there. I have to cook dinner or do his laundry to get him to come over to my place. He hasn't stayed the night at my house since I have been in my new place. And it seems to me like sometimes, he wants to get as far away from me as possible.
I know he is comfortable with our relationship, but I think he is a little too comfortable. He plays his Everquest all the time. He plays it when I'm there, when I'm not there, in his sleep, etc... We haven't really had a night out since I have been back, except for one night out with his friend Josh and his friends that I don't really care for.
I want to be able to tell Brian all of this, but not start a fight, or propel him in another direction in which I am not in favor of.
H doesn't tell me I am pretty, or that I am beautiful. At least not since I have been back. It's like the 3 weeks I was gone the Brian that I wanted so badly went off somewhere, and the Brian that stayed behind is someone I don't even like.
He sleeps all the time. It's sleep, work, Everquest. He doesn't try to spend time with his daughter that much, or anyone for that matter. I am so worried about all of this lack of concern for anything. I am thinking maybe he is depressed. I know he has alot on his plate, which makes perfect sense.
I told him a few weeks ago that I was petrified that he would get bored with me and want to check out of the relationship. His response was that I would be the one to get bored first. Part of me thinks he is doing this on purpose to get me to break up with him, but the other half is telling me that I am being retarded and shouldn't think like that since I know he cares for me.
This is all just too much for me, and I am going crazy. I need to get it all out of my system and tell him, but the time to do it is never right. I love him with all of my heart, and I know I still want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. I just have to work on trying to get the Brian I know is in there, out, and back with me.
Tomorrow will be 4 months that we have been together. He still hasn't told me he loves me, nor have I, but I am leaving that to him, since he is obviously the one who needs to catch up in that department.
I am thinking that before I left, he was weary that there would be a chance I wouldn't be coming back, and therefore, he was more attuned to spending time with me.
Now, he doesn't really call me, or text me, which he didn't do much of when I was in TN. This doesn't help with my self esteem at all. I go over to his house almost every day, I spend the night over there. I have to cook dinner or do his laundry to get him to come over to my place. He hasn't stayed the night at my house since I have been in my new place. And it seems to me like sometimes, he wants to get as far away from me as possible.
I know he is comfortable with our relationship, but I think he is a little too comfortable. He plays his Everquest all the time. He plays it when I'm there, when I'm not there, in his sleep, etc... We haven't really had a night out since I have been back, except for one night out with his friend Josh and his friends that I don't really care for.
I want to be able to tell Brian all of this, but not start a fight, or propel him in another direction in which I am not in favor of.
H doesn't tell me I am pretty, or that I am beautiful. At least not since I have been back. It's like the 3 weeks I was gone the Brian that I wanted so badly went off somewhere, and the Brian that stayed behind is someone I don't even like.
He sleeps all the time. It's sleep, work, Everquest. He doesn't try to spend time with his daughter that much, or anyone for that matter. I am so worried about all of this lack of concern for anything. I am thinking maybe he is depressed. I know he has alot on his plate, which makes perfect sense.
I told him a few weeks ago that I was petrified that he would get bored with me and want to check out of the relationship. His response was that I would be the one to get bored first. Part of me thinks he is doing this on purpose to get me to break up with him, but the other half is telling me that I am being retarded and shouldn't think like that since I know he cares for me.
This is all just too much for me, and I am going crazy. I need to get it all out of my system and tell him, but the time to do it is never right. I love him with all of my heart, and I know I still want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. I just have to work on trying to get the Brian I know is in there, out, and back with me.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Sarah Jane Cannon
Mrs. Sarah Cannon
Mrs. Sarah Jane Cannon
Mrs. Cannon
Mrs. Brian Robert Cannon
I like the sound of all of those.
I was talking to Sherrie at the post office and she told me one could get married to a person whilst still in the midst of a divorce as long as the party who signed the paperwork is the one waning to get married.
This probably won't happen, but I know I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him.
Mrs. Sarah Cannon
Mrs. Sarah Jane Cannon
Mrs. Cannon
Mrs. Brian Robert Cannon
I like the sound of all of those.
I was talking to Sherrie at the post office and she told me one could get married to a person whilst still in the midst of a divorce as long as the party who signed the paperwork is the one waning to get married.
This probably won't happen, but I know I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
11 days
And all I can think of is getting back to Nome so I can be with Brian.
All I have done since I have been home is miss him. I have so much free time by myself that I have been doing nothing but think about him 24/7.
It's getting on my nerves, as I have no clue how much he has been missing me, even though I know he does in fact miss me.
I just feel like I am the one doing all the missing.
I know all my anger and frustration will go away once I see him next week. I just need to hear him tell me he misses me more often.
This has been a hard trip for me so far. I have done most of the work myself, and without any help. Mom had pledged she would help me, but all she has done so far is do my laundry and pack one box----that she hadn't even taped closed yet. She's taking a nap now, and I am kinda glad, since I don't want to deal with her anymore.
Brian had been pressuring me into getting a touch screen phone, and I don't know why, but I am falling into it. I already talked to Dave, and he is willing to foot the bill for a new phone for me until I get the money to pay him back. Mom gave me grief about it, saying I didn't need a new phone-which she is right. It would be nice to please my boyfriend, but I am doing alot more than he is right now.
If I cannot get a hold of him, he is doing the following:
working
sleeping
watching House
playing Everquest II
Like I said, I know he is thinking about me, but I am sure it is definitely not as much as I am thinking about him.
I am going fucking crazy, and now I cannot wait to get to St. Louis, where I will be meeting up with friends and family and have more on my mind than just Brian.
All I have done since I have been home is miss him. I have so much free time by myself that I have been doing nothing but think about him 24/7.
It's getting on my nerves, as I have no clue how much he has been missing me, even though I know he does in fact miss me.
I just feel like I am the one doing all the missing.
I know all my anger and frustration will go away once I see him next week. I just need to hear him tell me he misses me more often.
This has been a hard trip for me so far. I have done most of the work myself, and without any help. Mom had pledged she would help me, but all she has done so far is do my laundry and pack one box----that she hadn't even taped closed yet. She's taking a nap now, and I am kinda glad, since I don't want to deal with her anymore.
Brian had been pressuring me into getting a touch screen phone, and I don't know why, but I am falling into it. I already talked to Dave, and he is willing to foot the bill for a new phone for me until I get the money to pay him back. Mom gave me grief about it, saying I didn't need a new phone-which she is right. It would be nice to please my boyfriend, but I am doing alot more than he is right now.
If I cannot get a hold of him, he is doing the following:
working
sleeping
watching House
playing Everquest II
Like I said, I know he is thinking about me, but I am sure it is definitely not as much as I am thinking about him.
I am going fucking crazy, and now I cannot wait to get to St. Louis, where I will be meeting up with friends and family and have more on my mind than just Brian.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
separation anxiety woes
So, I have been away from Nome for 8 days, and I am having a really hard time being away from Brian. I have been so use to being with him every day, and being apart has made me feel like I am missing a part of myself.
I am so madly in love with him it drives me crazy. My issue is that I want to tell him every time I look into his eyes, but I know I can't. He is still getting divorced, and I know he still feels a little burned by it, so it will take a little time before he can feel comfortable letting his guard down so he can open up to his feelings.
At this point we are very solid in a committed relationship. We both make each other happy. Very happy.
I am sad it took me this long to find him, but glad I did in the long run. I wish I hadn't been single for 5 years preceding our relationship. I don't know how to be in a relationship per se. I just know how to treat someone I care deeply about.
I am a damn good girlfriend. I cook, I clean, I love unconditionally. I pick up the dinner tab from time to time. I am overwhelmingly understanding of his current situation. I'm having serious issues right now trying to wrap my mind around all the trauma Marlene caused him and thinking it may hold him back in our relationship.
I want him to trust me. I want him to openly love me. I want him to be ok with everything that I am . I don't want him to compare me to her. I know he does, and not in the way that people do trying to see if they are looking for ways they hold up to others' standards. I know he's comparing me in the ways I am not like her.
He has stated to me several times that I make him happy. But the only reason he has given me so far is because I let "me be me" according to him. That's not good enough for me. I want to be able to tell him all of this, but I am afraid if I do, he'll compare me to Marlene thinking I am trying to be a controlling bitch, which I am not.
Of course, this all goes along with my insecurities. I am seriously afraid he is going to get bored with me and want out. I have always been dumped. I have always fallen head over heels for the guy and I always get burned. Of course, I always fall for the wrong guy, hoping he'll be the one and molding in my mind into what I wanted him to be.
This time it's different. He may not tell me how he feels all the time, but there is a way he looks at me that tells me everything is cool, and I am in a safe place. But it seriously makes me hurt in my chest every time I look at him and want to tell him how I feel, but I know I can't. The last thing I want to do is scare him away.
This is so much harder than it needs to be.
This is the man I want to marry.
I want to have his babies.
I want to grow old with him.
Marlene is in the way if she gets partial custody of Kalissa, as Brian and I would not be able to leave Nome.
I cannot and WILL NOT live in Nome for the rest of my life.
I will NOT get married in Nome.
I will NOT raise my kids there either.
Even though I know it's too soon, I know Brian and I could live together without any problem, as we spend every day together. It would be easier financially if we did live together.
I want it all now, since I am so damn impatient. I know I need to be a more patient person. I know I am strong enough to deal with all of the BS that comes with what Brian is going through. BUT- I can only be so strong for so long before I crack. I hope I can hold up until the divorce is final and things will be alot easier.
God, grant me patience, and please Lord, I only ask that Marlene gets wiped out of our lives for good, and I can have the life I have always dreamed of and deserved.
I am so madly in love with him it drives me crazy. My issue is that I want to tell him every time I look into his eyes, but I know I can't. He is still getting divorced, and I know he still feels a little burned by it, so it will take a little time before he can feel comfortable letting his guard down so he can open up to his feelings.
At this point we are very solid in a committed relationship. We both make each other happy. Very happy.
I am sad it took me this long to find him, but glad I did in the long run. I wish I hadn't been single for 5 years preceding our relationship. I don't know how to be in a relationship per se. I just know how to treat someone I care deeply about.
I am a damn good girlfriend. I cook, I clean, I love unconditionally. I pick up the dinner tab from time to time. I am overwhelmingly understanding of his current situation. I'm having serious issues right now trying to wrap my mind around all the trauma Marlene caused him and thinking it may hold him back in our relationship.
I want him to trust me. I want him to openly love me. I want him to be ok with everything that I am . I don't want him to compare me to her. I know he does, and not in the way that people do trying to see if they are looking for ways they hold up to others' standards. I know he's comparing me in the ways I am not like her.
He has stated to me several times that I make him happy. But the only reason he has given me so far is because I let "me be me" according to him. That's not good enough for me. I want to be able to tell him all of this, but I am afraid if I do, he'll compare me to Marlene thinking I am trying to be a controlling bitch, which I am not.
Of course, this all goes along with my insecurities. I am seriously afraid he is going to get bored with me and want out. I have always been dumped. I have always fallen head over heels for the guy and I always get burned. Of course, I always fall for the wrong guy, hoping he'll be the one and molding in my mind into what I wanted him to be.
This time it's different. He may not tell me how he feels all the time, but there is a way he looks at me that tells me everything is cool, and I am in a safe place. But it seriously makes me hurt in my chest every time I look at him and want to tell him how I feel, but I know I can't. The last thing I want to do is scare him away.
This is so much harder than it needs to be.
This is the man I want to marry.
I want to have his babies.
I want to grow old with him.
Marlene is in the way if she gets partial custody of Kalissa, as Brian and I would not be able to leave Nome.
I cannot and WILL NOT live in Nome for the rest of my life.
I will NOT get married in Nome.
I will NOT raise my kids there either.
Even though I know it's too soon, I know Brian and I could live together without any problem, as we spend every day together. It would be easier financially if we did live together.
I want it all now, since I am so damn impatient. I know I need to be a more patient person. I know I am strong enough to deal with all of the BS that comes with what Brian is going through. BUT- I can only be so strong for so long before I crack. I hope I can hold up until the divorce is final and things will be alot easier.
God, grant me patience, and please Lord, I only ask that Marlene gets wiped out of our lives for good, and I can have the life I have always dreamed of and deserved.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
bitches and backstabbers
It has recently come to my attention that there may possibly be a coup forming to petition that I don't get a permanent job here.
My friend Stephanie yesterday told me one of her clients had heard about it, and she felt the need to tell me. I am glad that she did. However, I did get extremely upset and I cried for over an hour, and I finally had to call Brian to calm me down.
Why would someone do this to me? Who are these people? What the hell did I do to deserve this?
I have decided that I would talk to Colleen about this first thing when she gets back from vacation. I am at the point where I am going to refuse to leave the state of Alaska until I get my offer letter and I sign it.
There is no reason for me to not get a job since it was approved by Angie Gorn who is VP of Hospital Operations to plead that I could work here since they do not hire LPN's.
I am being terribly paranoid and non trusting of everyone. This could be some retarded bullshit rumor that got out of hand and warped to no extent, but nonetheless, it is still going around and I feel threatened by it.
Hopefully, I will be able to talk to Colleen about it tomorrow and clear the air.
If I don't get to stay here, I don't know what I would do.
I don't want to live in Memphis.
I don't want to live with Mom and Dave.
I don't want to go back to working for shit money.
I don't want to run the risk of not finding a nursing job.
I want to go to school and get my RN.
I want to get out of debt and pay my student loans off.
I want to be independent.
And most importantly, I CANNOT lose Brian. If I did, I think I would die of a broken heart. He couldn't leave to be with me because of the divorce and Kalissa.
I would die inside.
My friend Stephanie yesterday told me one of her clients had heard about it, and she felt the need to tell me. I am glad that she did. However, I did get extremely upset and I cried for over an hour, and I finally had to call Brian to calm me down.
Why would someone do this to me? Who are these people? What the hell did I do to deserve this?
I have decided that I would talk to Colleen about this first thing when she gets back from vacation. I am at the point where I am going to refuse to leave the state of Alaska until I get my offer letter and I sign it.
There is no reason for me to not get a job since it was approved by Angie Gorn who is VP of Hospital Operations to plead that I could work here since they do not hire LPN's.
I am being terribly paranoid and non trusting of everyone. This could be some retarded bullshit rumor that got out of hand and warped to no extent, but nonetheless, it is still going around and I feel threatened by it.
Hopefully, I will be able to talk to Colleen about it tomorrow and clear the air.
If I don't get to stay here, I don't know what I would do.
I don't want to live in Memphis.
I don't want to live with Mom and Dave.
I don't want to go back to working for shit money.
I don't want to run the risk of not finding a nursing job.
I want to go to school and get my RN.
I want to get out of debt and pay my student loans off.
I want to be independent.
And most importantly, I CANNOT lose Brian. If I did, I think I would die of a broken heart. He couldn't leave to be with me because of the divorce and Kalissa.
I would die inside.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
my life with Brian
I haven't looked at my previous posts, but I figured I would update. We have been together now for 2 months, and it has already felt like an eternity. In a good way.
He has become my best friend, and I have truly fallen in love with him.
He treats me like a princess. He makes my heart jump a little every time I see him, even after 2 months. He looks at me in a way that I have never been looked at before that makes me know he cares about me, and I know his feelings are deep and true.
We have 'plans' to do all kinds of things for the summer, winter.... I am comfortable that we are pretty solid. We are actually in the beginning phases of planning a trip with Missy, Doug, and Brian and I to St. Louis and Memphis in the fall.
I am actually considering having Brian and I drive to Seattle to have my car shipped to Nome. I am hoping by that time we will be strong enough to probably get a place together here, that way we can save on bills, etc...
EXCEPT.....
Brian is in the midst of a nasty divorce with Marlene, who is the most vile, evil, sadistic, abusive person I have ever known. Not to mention, their little girl, Kalissa, is stuck in the middle of it all. Brian wants to let Marlene have everything except his truck and Kalissa.
She is so evil, she may get too much custody of Kalissa, and Brian wants full. Marlene puts her other 4 kids in the possession of drug dealers and felons and child molesters, and she still serves a good chance of getting at least half custody. Marlene plots and gets away with murder.
This is killing him, and in turn, killing me. I know I am a strong person, but I don't know how much more of this I can handle if the divorce doesn't happen soon. I always said I would never date a man who was ever married or had children, and I just happen to find the man of my dreams that has to be in the thick of a nasty divorce, who just happens to be everything I ever wanted or needed in a man.
I am frustrated and a little heartbroken, because I am not sure he understands how much this is affecting me. It will be nice to leave for 3 weeks and be away from the stress of it all, although I am going to probably cry every day I am away because I will miss him so much.
I know I have talked retardedly in the past about men and dating and 'the one'..... But I know in my heart of hearts that he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
He has become my best friend, and I have truly fallen in love with him.
He treats me like a princess. He makes my heart jump a little every time I see him, even after 2 months. He looks at me in a way that I have never been looked at before that makes me know he cares about me, and I know his feelings are deep and true.
We have 'plans' to do all kinds of things for the summer, winter.... I am comfortable that we are pretty solid. We are actually in the beginning phases of planning a trip with Missy, Doug, and Brian and I to St. Louis and Memphis in the fall.
I am actually considering having Brian and I drive to Seattle to have my car shipped to Nome. I am hoping by that time we will be strong enough to probably get a place together here, that way we can save on bills, etc...
EXCEPT.....
Brian is in the midst of a nasty divorce with Marlene, who is the most vile, evil, sadistic, abusive person I have ever known. Not to mention, their little girl, Kalissa, is stuck in the middle of it all. Brian wants to let Marlene have everything except his truck and Kalissa.
She is so evil, she may get too much custody of Kalissa, and Brian wants full. Marlene puts her other 4 kids in the possession of drug dealers and felons and child molesters, and she still serves a good chance of getting at least half custody. Marlene plots and gets away with murder.
This is killing him, and in turn, killing me. I know I am a strong person, but I don't know how much more of this I can handle if the divorce doesn't happen soon. I always said I would never date a man who was ever married or had children, and I just happen to find the man of my dreams that has to be in the thick of a nasty divorce, who just happens to be everything I ever wanted or needed in a man.
I am frustrated and a little heartbroken, because I am not sure he understands how much this is affecting me. It will be nice to leave for 3 weeks and be away from the stress of it all, although I am going to probably cry every day I am away because I will miss him so much.
I know I have talked retardedly in the past about men and dating and 'the one'..... But I know in my heart of hearts that he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
worried for nothing
Brian and I are together now. Officially BF/GF.
He tells me I make him happy. He makes me happy. Everyone thinks we are good for each other, and that we are great together.
It will be one month tomorrow :) He cheated to remember the date but I am happy nonetheless that he is trying.
I AM FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM HARD! Soon I hope we can make the word exchange and all nerves will be gone...
I am ok with waiting for him to tell me since he has been more recently hurt than me. I don't want to force his feelings. I am glad he is in my life. I have never felt like this in my life and I couldn't be happier.
He tells me I make him happy. He makes me happy. Everyone thinks we are good for each other, and that we are great together.
It will be one month tomorrow :) He cheated to remember the date but I am happy nonetheless that he is trying.
I AM FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM HARD! Soon I hope we can make the word exchange and all nerves will be gone...
I am ok with waiting for him to tell me since he has been more recently hurt than me. I don't want to force his feelings. I am glad he is in my life. I have never felt like this in my life and I couldn't be happier.
Monday, February 16, 2009
well...
Shortly after the last posting I sat on B's couch, petting the dogs and started to cry at my situation. During my tears and talking to myself, I got a text from Brian finally. He said he found the jewelry that I left at his placec and that he was going to lunch with someone. I told him to call me later to hang out, and he said he would.
Of course I am happy at this revelation, but still a little leary that maybe thing won't work out the way I want them to. I am being selfish, and I have every right to be. It is high time that I get what I want when I want it. I am tired of sitting around waiting for things to happen.
I am about ready to leave B's and go home to take a shower and go to the hospital to see if Colleen is there by any chance. I really want to talk to her about staying, even though I know she is going to be swamped with things to sort out since she has been gone for 2 weeks.
I just hope today turns out to be a good day.
Of course I am happy at this revelation, but still a little leary that maybe thing won't work out the way I want them to. I am being selfish, and I have every right to be. It is high time that I get what I want when I want it. I am tired of sitting around waiting for things to happen.
I am about ready to leave B's and go home to take a shower and go to the hospital to see if Colleen is there by any chance. I really want to talk to her about staying, even though I know she is going to be swamped with things to sort out since she has been gone for 2 weeks.
I just hope today turns out to be a good day.
Well, nothing came of Valentine's Day from Bria, and according to Missy, he stayed at home and moped all day. He knew I was working, so he didn't do anything.
I texted him last night, but as Missy, Hollyn and I drove down front street, I peeked over to his house and the lights were off, so I am assuming that he was asleep. I sent him a message on Myspace last night when I got home, and as far as I can see, he hasn't logged on. I still haven't recieved a text back from what I sent last night. I really hope I hear back from him.
I hear from Missy that he is pretty depressed, so I worry a little about that, but again, that's not really for me to be doing. Its my damn nature to nurture that keeps me going. I wish a little that I didn't like him sometimes, but for now, I am just going to try to let things slide and try to see things out as they happen. I need to try to let loose and see what happens instead of trying to make them happen.
AUGH!!!!!!
I texted him last night, but as Missy, Hollyn and I drove down front street, I peeked over to his house and the lights were off, so I am assuming that he was asleep. I sent him a message on Myspace last night when I got home, and as far as I can see, he hasn't logged on. I still haven't recieved a text back from what I sent last night. I really hope I hear back from him.
I hear from Missy that he is pretty depressed, so I worry a little about that, but again, that's not really for me to be doing. Its my damn nature to nurture that keeps me going. I wish a little that I didn't like him sometimes, but for now, I am just going to try to let things slide and try to see things out as they happen. I need to try to let loose and see what happens instead of trying to make them happen.
AUGH!!!!!!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
still have a few hours left...
It's almost 4 PM and Valentine's Day isn't over until midnight and I am still holding on to a little bit of hope that Brian will recognize it to me before it's over.
Amy got flowers from Irv while we were at work last night, and Kay got flowers too. I am not expecting flowers, but I would just like a simple Happy Valentines Day wish from him or something.
I still want to try and see him sometime before the weekend is over. Tomorrow night Hollyn gets into town and Missy and I were planning on all going out to have some fun since there is a holiday on Monday.
I WISH I WISH I WISH.............................................
Amy got flowers from Irv while we were at work last night, and Kay got flowers too. I am not expecting flowers, but I would just like a simple Happy Valentines Day wish from him or something.
I still want to try and see him sometime before the weekend is over. Tomorrow night Hollyn gets into town and Missy and I were planning on all going out to have some fun since there is a holiday on Monday.
I WISH I WISH I WISH.............................................
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Well, 2009 is starting off alot better than 2008, and definitely better than I had hoped for.
I am in Nome right now, as I will be for the next 2 months. I am still talking to Mick weekly, except, I will probably not be able to talk to him for a while since he has had to go home to England to be with his family as his mother is undergoing a total colectomy 2nd to colon cancer.
In the meantime, I have been seeing Brian. I met him in October when I got back to Nome. He is my friend Missy's older brother, and at the time he was dating someone. I found out at Halloween that they had broken up, and this was semi exciting to me since I had developed a crush on him. To me he is quite handsome, and he makes me laugh. I didn't pursue anything at the time, as I knew he had just been through a breakup, and I was uncomfortable with the fact that he was my friend's older brother.
So, I went home for 5 weeks at Xmas time, and decided that even though I was to try to get to know Mick as well as I could, I would try to pursue taking care of my sexual and physical, and maybe romantic and emotional needs. I had always flirted with Brian, and it didn't go anywhere. A few weeks ago, I got his phone number from Missy and texted him to come and meet us at the bar. He came within minutes, and earlier that night I confessed to Missy that I had a crush on him. She seemed amused and ok with it all, and I felt ok to go ahead and see where it could go. She did say that "he would like that" meaning he would like to know what I thought. I got really sick at the bar that night, so I did not get very far that night.
Well, last Saturday night I texted him again to come to the bar NOW, and he was there again, within minutes of my text. I was pretty inebriated, and prepared for whatever the night was to bring for I had taken a second shower and shaved everywhere. I managed to go home with him, where we then hooked up and my year and a half dry spell of no sex ended. I stayed over of course, waking up not knowing where the hell I was.
It was kind of nice since he let me sleep on his futon and he gave me a blanket and a pillow. I didn't hear from him again until this passed Wednesday when we texted each other a few times. Before we left each others presence, we sort of agreed that that night shouldn't be the last of it...
Well, we texted each other over the next week and met up again last Friday. We were at Breakers drinking, having a good time. I ended up sitting on his lap, and we kissed a few times, then left to go back to his house, with everyone seeing us together. I was a little freaked out since he kissed me in public, but a little excited at the same time since it was a simple proclamation that he's not ashamed to be with me in public, let alone not afraid of people seeing us together.
We didout thing a few times that night, and it was actually really awesome, so I was glad about that. I woke up the next day to his snoring.....loudly... I rustled about for a while, then settled in on his futon for a nap an hour later. After I woke up I layed there for a few minutes, thinking about everything just going on. I was a little cold so I crawled in bed with him telling him I was cold, so he snuggled with me and he instantly fell back asleep. Of course, I couldn't go back to sleep. Aside from his snoring that wasn't helping, the butterflies in my stomach were holding my z's away from me.
We hung out for the day, and it was great. He did little things like signals to make me feel like he really likes me. I'm too winded with typing right now to list them, but it was great getting the attention while sober, and it seemed sincere.
We went to go eat, but first I had to go to my place and change and freshen up a bit. So we landed back at the 14 Plex, but Missy wasn't there. Brain and Missy's mom was! Needless to say I was embarrassed. But we went to lunch/dinner at Milano's, then back to his place and had a good time. It came time for me to come home, so he drove me back to my apartment. He kissed me goodbye, which just cemented alot for me. It's what I was waiting for, and I got it.
We've texted a bit since, but not enough for my liking. I know h works for a company in town that will probably have him off on Monday for the holiday, so I am going to see if he would hang out or something Sunday night.
I already have plans with Missy to hang out with her and Hollyn, since she will be getting into town. Hopefully, I can get Brian in the mix. I will be on call until 11 PM, so I will have to remain sober, which is what I would like to do anyways so I don't get into any predicaments drunk, plus I would like for Brian (if he shows up) to see me sober so he doesn't think I only like him while I am drinking which is SO NOT WHAT IT IS!
I liked him (technically) last year when I met him, even though I knew he was with someone. I wasn't going to pursue anything, because I am not that kind of girl. He became single, so I went for it. Of course, this is a weird predicament I am in now considering Brian is still married to his should-be ex-wife Marlene, who now knows Brian and I are...(whatever we are, I can't really say we're dating)
I would like to officially be dating him, since I really like him but of course at this stage of the game, he is in control whether he knows it or not. The hardest things right now are the facts that I have no official idea how he feels about me, although I have a feeling he does, but I am not 100% about it, and I don't know if I will be able to stay longer than just 2 more months.
Then there is the pondering of whether or not the 2 things will e'en work together. Me staying here, and potentially having a relationship. My worst problem is the fact that I am thinking way too much about it. I would just like for once for things to work out the way that I want.
I am tired of being single. I don't like the fact that I didn't have sex for over a year and a half, and that I have been single for over 5 years. I am scared of being single, and losing the chances of having kids and a life not knowing what that would be like.
I am in Nome right now, as I will be for the next 2 months. I am still talking to Mick weekly, except, I will probably not be able to talk to him for a while since he has had to go home to England to be with his family as his mother is undergoing a total colectomy 2nd to colon cancer.
In the meantime, I have been seeing Brian. I met him in October when I got back to Nome. He is my friend Missy's older brother, and at the time he was dating someone. I found out at Halloween that they had broken up, and this was semi exciting to me since I had developed a crush on him. To me he is quite handsome, and he makes me laugh. I didn't pursue anything at the time, as I knew he had just been through a breakup, and I was uncomfortable with the fact that he was my friend's older brother.
So, I went home for 5 weeks at Xmas time, and decided that even though I was to try to get to know Mick as well as I could, I would try to pursue taking care of my sexual and physical, and maybe romantic and emotional needs. I had always flirted with Brian, and it didn't go anywhere. A few weeks ago, I got his phone number from Missy and texted him to come and meet us at the bar. He came within minutes, and earlier that night I confessed to Missy that I had a crush on him. She seemed amused and ok with it all, and I felt ok to go ahead and see where it could go. She did say that "he would like that" meaning he would like to know what I thought. I got really sick at the bar that night, so I did not get very far that night.
Well, last Saturday night I texted him again to come to the bar NOW, and he was there again, within minutes of my text. I was pretty inebriated, and prepared for whatever the night was to bring for I had taken a second shower and shaved everywhere. I managed to go home with him, where we then hooked up and my year and a half dry spell of no sex ended. I stayed over of course, waking up not knowing where the hell I was.
It was kind of nice since he let me sleep on his futon and he gave me a blanket and a pillow. I didn't hear from him again until this passed Wednesday when we texted each other a few times. Before we left each others presence, we sort of agreed that that night shouldn't be the last of it...
Well, we texted each other over the next week and met up again last Friday. We were at Breakers drinking, having a good time. I ended up sitting on his lap, and we kissed a few times, then left to go back to his house, with everyone seeing us together. I was a little freaked out since he kissed me in public, but a little excited at the same time since it was a simple proclamation that he's not ashamed to be with me in public, let alone not afraid of people seeing us together.
We didout thing a few times that night, and it was actually really awesome, so I was glad about that. I woke up the next day to his snoring.....loudly... I rustled about for a while, then settled in on his futon for a nap an hour later. After I woke up I layed there for a few minutes, thinking about everything just going on. I was a little cold so I crawled in bed with him telling him I was cold, so he snuggled with me and he instantly fell back asleep. Of course, I couldn't go back to sleep. Aside from his snoring that wasn't helping, the butterflies in my stomach were holding my z's away from me.
We hung out for the day, and it was great. He did little things like signals to make me feel like he really likes me. I'm too winded with typing right now to list them, but it was great getting the attention while sober, and it seemed sincere.
We went to go eat, but first I had to go to my place and change and freshen up a bit. So we landed back at the 14 Plex, but Missy wasn't there. Brain and Missy's mom was! Needless to say I was embarrassed. But we went to lunch/dinner at Milano's, then back to his place and had a good time. It came time for me to come home, so he drove me back to my apartment. He kissed me goodbye, which just cemented alot for me. It's what I was waiting for, and I got it.
We've texted a bit since, but not enough for my liking. I know h works for a company in town that will probably have him off on Monday for the holiday, so I am going to see if he would hang out or something Sunday night.
I already have plans with Missy to hang out with her and Hollyn, since she will be getting into town. Hopefully, I can get Brian in the mix. I will be on call until 11 PM, so I will have to remain sober, which is what I would like to do anyways so I don't get into any predicaments drunk, plus I would like for Brian (if he shows up) to see me sober so he doesn't think I only like him while I am drinking which is SO NOT WHAT IT IS!
I liked him (technically) last year when I met him, even though I knew he was with someone. I wasn't going to pursue anything, because I am not that kind of girl. He became single, so I went for it. Of course, this is a weird predicament I am in now considering Brian is still married to his should-be ex-wife Marlene, who now knows Brian and I are...(whatever we are, I can't really say we're dating)
I would like to officially be dating him, since I really like him but of course at this stage of the game, he is in control whether he knows it or not. The hardest things right now are the facts that I have no official idea how he feels about me, although I have a feeling he does, but I am not 100% about it, and I don't know if I will be able to stay longer than just 2 more months.
Then there is the pondering of whether or not the 2 things will e'en work together. Me staying here, and potentially having a relationship. My worst problem is the fact that I am thinking way too much about it. I would just like for once for things to work out the way that I want.
I am tired of being single. I don't like the fact that I didn't have sex for over a year and a half, and that I have been single for over 5 years. I am scared of being single, and losing the chances of having kids and a life not knowing what that would be like.
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