separation anxiety woes

So, I have been away from Nome for 8 days, and I am having a really hard time being away from Brian. I have been so use to being with him every day, and being apart has made me feel like I am missing a part of myself.

I am so madly in love with him it drives me crazy. My issue is that I want to tell him every time I look into his eyes, but I know I can't. He is still getting divorced, and I know he still feels a little burned by it, so it will take a little time before he can feel comfortable letting his guard down so he can open up to his feelings.

At this point we are very solid in a committed relationship. We both make each other happy. Very happy.

I am sad it took me this long to find him, but glad I did in the long run. I wish I hadn't been single for 5 years preceding our relationship. I don't know how to be in a relationship per se. I just know how to treat someone I care deeply about.

I am a damn good girlfriend. I cook, I clean, I love unconditionally. I pick up the dinner tab from time to time. I am overwhelmingly understanding of his current situation. I'm having serious issues right now trying to wrap my mind around all the trauma Marlene caused him and thinking it may hold him back in our relationship.

I want him to trust me. I want him to openly love me. I want him to be ok with everything that I am . I don't want him to compare me to her. I know he does, and not in the way that people do trying to see if they are looking for ways they hold up to others' standards. I know he's comparing me in the ways I am not like her.

He has stated to me several times that I make him happy. But the only reason he has given me so far is because I let "me be me" according to him. That's not good enough for me. I want to be able to tell him all of this, but I am afraid if I do, he'll compare me to Marlene thinking I am trying to be a controlling bitch, which I am not.

Of course, this all goes along with my insecurities. I am seriously afraid he is going to get bored with me and want out. I have always been dumped. I have always fallen head over heels for the guy and I always get burned. Of course, I always fall for the wrong guy, hoping he'll be the one and molding in my mind into what I wanted him to be.

This time it's different. He may not tell me how he feels all the time, but there is a way he looks at me that tells me everything is cool, and I am in a safe place. But it seriously makes me hurt in my chest every time I look at him and want to tell him how I feel, but I know I can't. The last thing I want to do is scare him away.

This is so much harder than it needs to be.

This is the man I want to marry.
I want to have his babies.
I want to grow old with him.

Marlene is in the way if she gets partial custody of Kalissa, as Brian and I would not be able to leave Nome.

I cannot and WILL NOT live in Nome for the rest of my life.

I will NOT get married in Nome.

I will NOT raise my kids there either.

Even though I know it's too soon, I know Brian and I could live together without any problem, as we spend every day together. It would be easier financially if we did live together.

I want it all now, since I am so damn impatient. I know I need to be a more patient person. I know I am strong enough to deal with all of the BS that comes with what Brian is going through. BUT- I can only be so strong for so long before I crack. I hope I can hold up until the divorce is final and things will be alot easier.

God, grant me patience, and please Lord, I only ask that Marlene gets wiped out of our lives for good, and I can have the life I have always dreamed of and deserved.