I still feel hurt. I have been awake for over an hour and a half now, with nothing more to do than fart around.

I took a pregnancy test this morning, and for the first time in my history of taking pregnancy tests, I was sad to only see one line. I am in such a state to where I want to be married with kids it's killing me.

I still, of course, haven't told Brian about anything that I feel, and I am hoping that I have to the guts to do it soon, before I go insane.

Today is our 4 month anniversary. I seriously doubt he knows this, but I hope to refresh his memory this evening.

I still don't know how I am going to go about doing any of this. I am so scared of conflict.

I just realized that out of the 5 weeks I have been here in Nome, he has stayed in twice on a Saturday to play that fucking Everquest game. How much he plays it isn't healthy.

I want to talk to someone about how bad this all hurts me, but I don't know who to tell. I have worked up Brian so much that I am afraid to let anyone down about him, or even let them know I am feeling unhappy.

I wish I knew what to do.

love woes

Ever since I have been back to Nome, I have been having a hard time with Brian. I am hoping that the feeling of making a huge mistake will soon pass me by, and I will laugh at it later.

Tomorrow will be 4 months that we have been together. He still hasn't told me he loves me, nor have I, but I am leaving that to him, since he is obviously the one who needs to catch up in that department.

I am thinking that before I left, he was weary that there would be a chance I wouldn't be coming back, and therefore, he was more attuned to spending time with me.

Now, he doesn't really call me, or text me, which he didn't do much of when I was in TN. This doesn't help with my self esteem at all. I go over to his house almost every day, I spend the night over there. I have to cook dinner or do his laundry to get him to come over to my place. He hasn't stayed the night at my house since I have been in my new place. And it seems to me like sometimes, he wants to get as far away from me as possible.

I know he is comfortable with our relationship, but I think he is a little too comfortable. He plays his Everquest all the time. He plays it when I'm there, when I'm not there, in his sleep, etc... We haven't really had a night out since I have been back, except for one night out with his friend Josh and his friends that I don't really care for.

I want to be able to tell Brian all of this, but not start a fight, or propel him in another direction in which I am not in favor of.

H doesn't tell me I am pretty, or that I am beautiful. At least not since I have been back. It's like the 3 weeks I was gone the Brian that I wanted so badly went off somewhere, and the Brian that stayed behind is someone I don't even like.

He sleeps all the time. It's sleep, work, Everquest. He doesn't try to spend time with his daughter that much, or anyone for that matter. I am so worried about all of this lack of concern for anything. I am thinking maybe he is depressed. I know he has alot on his plate, which makes perfect sense.

I told him a few weeks ago that I was petrified that he would get bored with me and want to check out of the relationship. His response was that I would be the one to get bored first. Part of me thinks he is doing this on purpose to get me to break up with him, but the other half is telling me that I am being retarded and shouldn't think like that since I know he cares for me.

This is all just too much for me, and I am going crazy. I need to get it all out of my system and tell him, but the time to do it is never right. I love him with all of my heart, and I know I still want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. I just have to work on trying to get the Brian I know is in there, out, and back with me.

Sarah Jane Cannon
Mrs. Sarah Cannon
Mrs. Sarah Jane Cannon
Mrs. Cannon
Mrs. Brian Robert Cannon

I like the sound of all of those.

I was talking to Sherrie at the post office and she told me one could get married to a person whilst still in the midst of a divorce as long as the party who signed the paperwork is the one waning to get married.

This probably won't happen, but I know I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him.

11 days

And all I can think of is getting back to Nome so I can be with Brian.

All I have done since I have been home is miss him. I have so much free time by myself that I have been doing nothing but think about him 24/7.

It's getting on my nerves, as I have no clue how much he has been missing me, even though I know he does in fact miss me.

I just feel like I am the one doing all the missing.

I know all my anger and frustration will go away once I see him next week. I just need to hear him tell me he misses me more often.

This has been a hard trip for me so far. I have done most of the work myself, and without any help. Mom had pledged she would help me, but all she has done so far is do my laundry and pack one box----that she hadn't even taped closed yet. She's taking a nap now, and I am kinda glad, since I don't want to deal with her anymore.

Brian had been pressuring me into getting a touch screen phone, and I don't know why, but I am falling into it. I already talked to Dave, and he is willing to foot the bill for a new phone for me until I get the money to pay him back. Mom gave me grief about it, saying I didn't need a new phone-which she is right. It would be nice to please my boyfriend, but I am doing alot more than he is right now.

If I cannot get a hold of him, he is doing the following:
working
sleeping
watching House
playing Everquest II

Like I said, I know he is thinking about me, but I am sure it is definitely not as much as I am thinking about him.

I am going fucking crazy, and now I cannot wait to get to St. Louis, where I will be meeting up with friends and family and have more on my mind than just Brian.

separation anxiety woes

So, I have been away from Nome for 8 days, and I am having a really hard time being away from Brian. I have been so use to being with him every day, and being apart has made me feel like I am missing a part of myself.

I am so madly in love with him it drives me crazy. My issue is that I want to tell him every time I look into his eyes, but I know I can't. He is still getting divorced, and I know he still feels a little burned by it, so it will take a little time before he can feel comfortable letting his guard down so he can open up to his feelings.

At this point we are very solid in a committed relationship. We both make each other happy. Very happy.

I am sad it took me this long to find him, but glad I did in the long run. I wish I hadn't been single for 5 years preceding our relationship. I don't know how to be in a relationship per se. I just know how to treat someone I care deeply about.

I am a damn good girlfriend. I cook, I clean, I love unconditionally. I pick up the dinner tab from time to time. I am overwhelmingly understanding of his current situation. I'm having serious issues right now trying to wrap my mind around all the trauma Marlene caused him and thinking it may hold him back in our relationship.

I want him to trust me. I want him to openly love me. I want him to be ok with everything that I am . I don't want him to compare me to her. I know he does, and not in the way that people do trying to see if they are looking for ways they hold up to others' standards. I know he's comparing me in the ways I am not like her.

He has stated to me several times that I make him happy. But the only reason he has given me so far is because I let "me be me" according to him. That's not good enough for me. I want to be able to tell him all of this, but I am afraid if I do, he'll compare me to Marlene thinking I am trying to be a controlling bitch, which I am not.

Of course, this all goes along with my insecurities. I am seriously afraid he is going to get bored with me and want out. I have always been dumped. I have always fallen head over heels for the guy and I always get burned. Of course, I always fall for the wrong guy, hoping he'll be the one and molding in my mind into what I wanted him to be.

This time it's different. He may not tell me how he feels all the time, but there is a way he looks at me that tells me everything is cool, and I am in a safe place. But it seriously makes me hurt in my chest every time I look at him and want to tell him how I feel, but I know I can't. The last thing I want to do is scare him away.

This is so much harder than it needs to be.

This is the man I want to marry.
I want to have his babies.
I want to grow old with him.

Marlene is in the way if she gets partial custody of Kalissa, as Brian and I would not be able to leave Nome.

I cannot and WILL NOT live in Nome for the rest of my life.

I will NOT get married in Nome.

I will NOT raise my kids there either.

Even though I know it's too soon, I know Brian and I could live together without any problem, as we spend every day together. It would be easier financially if we did live together.

I want it all now, since I am so damn impatient. I know I need to be a more patient person. I know I am strong enough to deal with all of the BS that comes with what Brian is going through. BUT- I can only be so strong for so long before I crack. I hope I can hold up until the divorce is final and things will be alot easier.

God, grant me patience, and please Lord, I only ask that Marlene gets wiped out of our lives for good, and I can have the life I have always dreamed of and deserved.

bitches and backstabbers

It has recently come to my attention that there may possibly be a coup forming to petition that I don't get a permanent job here.

My friend Stephanie yesterday told me one of her clients had heard about it, and she felt the need to tell me. I am glad that she did. However, I did get extremely upset and I cried for over an hour, and I finally had to call Brian to calm me down.

Why would someone do this to me? Who are these people? What the hell did I do to deserve this?

I have decided that I would talk to Colleen about this first thing when she gets back from vacation. I am at the point where I am going to refuse to leave the state of Alaska until I get my offer letter and I sign it.

There is no reason for me to not get a job since it was approved by Angie Gorn who is VP of Hospital Operations to plead that I could work here since they do not hire LPN's.

I am being terribly paranoid and non trusting of everyone. This could be some retarded bullshit rumor that got out of hand and warped to no extent, but nonetheless, it is still going around and I feel threatened by it.

Hopefully, I will be able to talk to Colleen about it tomorrow and clear the air.

If I don't get to stay here, I don't know what I would do.

I don't want to live in Memphis.
I don't want to live with Mom and Dave.
I don't want to go back to working for shit money.
I don't want to run the risk of not finding a nursing job.
I want to go to school and get my RN.
I want to get out of debt and pay my student loans off.
I want to be independent.

And most importantly, I CANNOT lose Brian. If I did, I think I would die of a broken heart. He couldn't leave to be with me because of the divorce and Kalissa.
I would die inside.

my life with Brian

I haven't looked at my previous posts, but I figured I would update. We have been together now for 2 months, and it has already felt like an eternity. In a good way.
He has become my best friend, and I have truly fallen in love with him.

He treats me like a princess. He makes my heart jump a little every time I see him, even after 2 months. He looks at me in a way that I have never been looked at before that makes me know he cares about me, and I know his feelings are deep and true.

We have 'plans' to do all kinds of things for the summer, winter.... I am comfortable that we are pretty solid. We are actually in the beginning phases of planning a trip with Missy, Doug, and Brian and I to St. Louis and Memphis in the fall.

I am actually considering having Brian and I drive to Seattle to have my car shipped to Nome. I am hoping by that time we will be strong enough to probably get a place together here, that way we can save on bills, etc...


EXCEPT.....

Brian is in the midst of a nasty divorce with Marlene, who is the most vile, evil, sadistic, abusive person I have ever known. Not to mention, their little girl, Kalissa, is stuck in the middle of it all. Brian wants to let Marlene have everything except his truck and Kalissa.

She is so evil, she may get too much custody of Kalissa, and Brian wants full. Marlene puts her other 4 kids in the possession of drug dealers and felons and child molesters, and she still serves a good chance of getting at least half custody. Marlene plots and gets away with murder.

This is killing him, and in turn, killing me. I know I am a strong person, but I don't know how much more of this I can handle if the divorce doesn't happen soon. I always said I would never date a man who was ever married or had children, and I just happen to find the man of my dreams that has to be in the thick of a nasty divorce, who just happens to be everything I ever wanted or needed in a man.

I am frustrated and a little heartbroken, because I am not sure he understands how much this is affecting me. It will be nice to leave for 3 weeks and be away from the stress of it all, although I am going to probably cry every day I am away because I will miss him so much.

I know I have talked retardedly in the past about men and dating and 'the one'..... But I know in my heart of hearts that he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.