answers

So, I finally decided to go to Brian's today, determined to get some answers, and I am truly glad that I waited until now to confront him.

I texted him while walking out of work and he did not answer. I decided to just go ahead and see about talking to him, and tell him how I feel.

As I walked in, he was in his bedroom, trying to fix his dryer. He unfortunately was unsuccessful, which made him frustrated, and therefore, did not help his mood, wile I already saw as very dismal.

He sa down in front of me, and I got his eyes to mine, and I told him that I KNEW HE WAS DEPRESSED< I knew what he was going through, and that I needed him to tell me what I could do in the situation to help in any way I can.

Of course, he doesn' want me to do anything, as in his current state, he does not feel like trying anything would be Worth any good. He told me he was going to see a head doctor soon, and did in fact admit that he was depressed.

We didn't exchange too many words, but he stated he thinks he will lose the divorce, and lose his daughter and have to pay child support. I told him I would help in any way I could, and even though he told me not to worry about it. I am going to anyways. I am going to call lawyers, anyone I can to get some answers. I think he will feel better tomorrow if he gets to see his daughter.

I had to cut this short, as I called my mother to talk about it.

relapse

Brian is sort of back o being an occasional asshole, and not comprehend what he is doing.

Saturday, after I had suggested on Friday we go to the movie, he went along and went with Josh, and not asking me to come along.

The only person I told was Missy. I gave an edited version to Stephanie. I am still pissed that I cannot find the balls to confront him in a non-confrontational way.

I am trying to figure out what to do. Hopefully I can actually go to church this weekend and get some direction.

I know he's depressed, and I know he cares for me. I really do think that if I could hear him tell me he loves me, I would feel alot better. I just know I cant hang on much longer.

I got him a really nice father's day card, so hopefully that will open him up a bit.

I really want to kill Marlene. Hopefully, she will get found guilty when she goes to court, and everything will be better when Brian can get is daughter full time.

I will pray for that as hard as I can at church. I will pray for God to guise me in the direction I need to go with everything.

And to boot, a friend asked me the other day when Brian and I were going to start trying to have babies.

Of course I am so damn honest, I couldn't sabotage Brian and get pregnant on purpose.

Hell, we haven't even told each other "I love you". This still bugs me. I hope it's soon. I have this little plan that I should be 'sleeping' and he kisses me goodbye and I sleepily slip out 'Love you'....I have been unsuccessful :(

If by our 5 month anniversary I haven't heard anything, I will just up and blurt it out. I figure that's enough time.

I love Brian Robert Cannon, and I will stand by my commitment to him to be supportive in any way I can.

I am already practicing what would be marriage vows.

Better or worse.
Richer or poorer.
Sickness and health.

All of it.

My Brian is Back

At least for now. Over the passed few days, he has been the fun and goofy man that I fell in love with.

I had figured it all out.

Brian is depressed. It just clicked. Monday and Tuesday I stopped by and he was sleeping and unable to arouse. I realized he had been doing nothing but sleeping, not taking care of himself, not eating, playing on the computer, not talking, etc...

Even his sexual performance has suffered a little. It all clicks. I ran into his mom yesterday as well, and we both agree that he is in trouble. I don't think he needs meds, but he does need to talk about it. I hope we can get him out of this slump.

I am hoping that a ray of sunshine will come when Marlene goes to trial over her felony charges. If she goes to jail, Brian will get his little girl and hopefully the divorce will speed up.

We both hate, and along with everyone else, that his divorce won't be final until November.

I want to marry him and start having children. I am ready to start the life I know I deserve.

I still feel hurt. I have been awake for over an hour and a half now, with nothing more to do than fart around.

I took a pregnancy test this morning, and for the first time in my history of taking pregnancy tests, I was sad to only see one line. I am in such a state to where I want to be married with kids it's killing me.

I still, of course, haven't told Brian about anything that I feel, and I am hoping that I have to the guts to do it soon, before I go insane.

Today is our 4 month anniversary. I seriously doubt he knows this, but I hope to refresh his memory this evening.

I still don't know how I am going to go about doing any of this. I am so scared of conflict.

I just realized that out of the 5 weeks I have been here in Nome, he has stayed in twice on a Saturday to play that fucking Everquest game. How much he plays it isn't healthy.

I want to talk to someone about how bad this all hurts me, but I don't know who to tell. I have worked up Brian so much that I am afraid to let anyone down about him, or even let them know I am feeling unhappy.

I wish I knew what to do.