I cannot believe it has been since February that I have added to this. I feel a little guilty for not inputting in here, but my boss told me a long time ago not to blog at work, so here I am, at home, blogging on my private blog...

Anyhow. RECAP: Joee and I are are happily co-habitating, Shelby was gone for the summer and is now back with us, and we are all essentially happy. Shelby's mom is in town at the moment and hopefully will be leaving soon.

Here are my issues.

Joee has not filed for divorce yet, but says he will soon.

Shelby still sleeps in the bed with us, and it is waaaaaaaay passed due for her to be sleeping in her own room.

Joee's mother in law is a force to be reckoned with in so many ways it makes my head SPIN!

I want TO MARRY THIS MAN AND HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM AND GROW OLD WITH HIM. In a place I don't really want to live.

I am wanting the intimacy I deserve, and the appropriate place for my step-daughter to sleep!!! AUGH!!!

Other than that, everything is fine. We are all happy, living as a family, and I am happy living with my family. I want to have babies and get married and all that happy stuff, but first things first.

Joee

I have a new boyfreind now, his name is Joee Haugen. We have been together for around 2 months now and it was an interesting start, but now its pretty good.

He likes my cooking, is a great father and treats me like a lady. I had no idea there was a guy out there who was exactly what I needed, and whom would be everything I deserved. There is more to come, but for now, I am very happy and I can see this going somewhere good.

I have officially decided to talk to Brian on Monday, whether he wants to or not. I have been suffering these passed 2 weeks, and I am tired of it. I am angry, sad, and tired of being tired, sick, nauseous, and heart broken.

I am going to try to see if we can salvage our relationship.

I have been praying every day, and often. God says that if you ask, he will give.

I just hope the right words come out and everything comes into my favor.

I had to go to the clinic yesterday and get a liter and a half of IV fluids because I was so dehydrated, and I almost passed out twice yesterday.

I am on reglan now, so hopefully my appetite and energy will come back. I am tired all the time, even though I am getting adequate sleep.

I have lost 7 pounds already from not eating and throwing up all the time.

Lord Jesus hear my prayer- BRING BRIAN AND I BACK TOGETHER.

one week, worst week

Last Saturday, Brian and I got into a fight, our first fight ever in 5 months... and he broke up with me. I am heartbroken, I want to crawl up and die, and I feel like someone has stabbed me in the chest and poured acid inside.

I can't eat. And when I do I get sick.
I have diarrhea.
My hands shake all the time.
I am having awful dreams.
I'm always nauseous, like I am now.

I do not know if I can handle this anymore. I don't want to lose him, but I am afraid. I moved here for him, and I told him this. He of course reminded me that he said that I shouldn't move here just for him, which isn't 100% true.

I moved here to have a job, pay off debts, get student loans paid off, and to go back to school. The cherry on top was this beautiful creature named Brian Cannon.

The first 3 months were picture perfect, if you don't account for the fact that he is going through a nasty divorce and child custody. Other than that, he was everything I wanted.

He liked to snuggle on the couch and watch movies. He was funny and goofy and caring. He wanted to spend time with me all the time.

He told me things that branded my mind, and I will never forget them:

He told me more than once that I made him happy. And he told me frequently.

When my sister was here during Iditarod, he told me 2 things that made me 100% sure he was 'the one'.

1. "I miss sleeping with you."
2. "You are my life."

He even got down on his knee and asked Jessica's permission to date me. He told her he would take care of me, never cheat on me, and never hurt me.

He is hurting me right now.

He is so depressed he is holing himself in his house, not getting out, not doing anything.

He has no motivation to see his daughter.

He plays that stupid Everquest game for hours on end without even sleeping.

He lost his lawyer because he cannot afford her anymore.

_____________

He told me Saturday that he wasn't happy. He also told me he didn't think that being in a relationship wasn't what he wanted to be dealing with right now on top of everything.

I asked him after that, "So, you don't want to be with me anymore?"

And he replied, "It's not that. It's not that I don't want to be with you. It's not that at all."

He gave me a hug goodbye, but wouldn't give me a kiss saying that it would be 'too much'.

I walked home in a daze. The whole time Brian and I were talking, I felt the tears, but they wouldn't come out. I wanted him to see me cry. I wanted him to see that I was hurt.

We had no patients at the hospital for 2 days. So all I got to do was sit and think the whole time about it all day. Of course I was a wreck, choking on my tears, laying everything out in the open.

It somehow got back to him that I said he was depressed. From what I understand, this made him upset, and possibly mad and angry with me.

I don't want him to be mad at me, but I hoped it made him realize that he is sick with depression and that he does need to get help. I know he is worried about word getting back to Marlene that he is depressed, and I also do not want that to happen.

Kay came to e on Thursday, and gave me a hug telling me that she was sorry for my broken heart. It was comforting knowing that she was big enough to do that. She also said that he just isn't over Marlene.

He is over her in the romantic sense, but he is still allowing her to have a hold over what he wants to have accomplished in his life. He just isn't making any effort at all. I wish he could see that the only way he will get what he wants is if he fights for it.

I am fighting for him, because that is what I want. He should fight for custody no matter how hard it is if that is what he wants. He should find a new lawyer, and try harder to get what his side of the story is across so that the judge can grant him the win for the divorce.

I know it is around the time for their anniversary. I am sad that this is such a bad time for him, but Wednesday was supposed to be our 5 month anniversary. And on that day, he went to Stephanie's to get his hair cut. She told me she asked him what happened and all he did was blow her off.

I just wonder if he hurts from the break up like I do?

I am giving him as much space as I can give before I lose it eventually and try to contact him for my own sanity.

I haven't called him, texted him, walked by his house, nothing.

Every time I walked down Front Street, I look straight ahead as to not look left to see his house. I am trying to exercise as much self control as possible.

I hope by giving him space he can see that I am trying to give him the time he needs to think about what I mean to him. Of course, I hope it's positive.

I know now that I have never truly been in love. I know he loves me, even if he can't say it. I know he cares about me.

I just pray he can open up his heart, accept the ones who are here for him, and allow us to be some strength for him through this hard time.

I love him, and I don't want to ever give up on him. I feel some people over the passed week shying away from me, as if since we are not together for now, that I no longer matter.

Poor Stephanie yesterday said she felt like she broke up with me too. She felt very badly that she didn't have room to take me to Council. I hope she lives up to her promise to take me the next time they go.

She even suggested trying to get a hold of Brian and seeing if he would take me there. Sure it's nice in theory, but the wound is still fresh and deep, and I don't know what I will do when I see him next.

I hope I don't throw up. That's all I have been doing since I woke up this morning. The nerves and stress of all of this is making me weaker and weaker. I feel like I am sharing his sickness. I don't know if he trows up all the time, has diarrhea, doesn't eat...

All I know is I sleep, and sleep hard. I am tired all the time. My dreams are killing me.

I don't know how to end this post.

I guess it's really true. If you love something, you have to set it free. If it comes back to you it was meant to be.

answers

So, I finally decided to go to Brian's today, determined to get some answers, and I am truly glad that I waited until now to confront him.

I texted him while walking out of work and he did not answer. I decided to just go ahead and see about talking to him, and tell him how I feel.

As I walked in, he was in his bedroom, trying to fix his dryer. He unfortunately was unsuccessful, which made him frustrated, and therefore, did not help his mood, wile I already saw as very dismal.

He sa down in front of me, and I got his eyes to mine, and I told him that I KNEW HE WAS DEPRESSED< I knew what he was going through, and that I needed him to tell me what I could do in the situation to help in any way I can.

Of course, he doesn' want me to do anything, as in his current state, he does not feel like trying anything would be Worth any good. He told me he was going to see a head doctor soon, and did in fact admit that he was depressed.

We didn't exchange too many words, but he stated he thinks he will lose the divorce, and lose his daughter and have to pay child support. I told him I would help in any way I could, and even though he told me not to worry about it. I am going to anyways. I am going to call lawyers, anyone I can to get some answers. I think he will feel better tomorrow if he gets to see his daughter.

I had to cut this short, as I called my mother to talk about it.

relapse

Brian is sort of back o being an occasional asshole, and not comprehend what he is doing.

Saturday, after I had suggested on Friday we go to the movie, he went along and went with Josh, and not asking me to come along.

The only person I told was Missy. I gave an edited version to Stephanie. I am still pissed that I cannot find the balls to confront him in a non-confrontational way.

I am trying to figure out what to do. Hopefully I can actually go to church this weekend and get some direction.

I know he's depressed, and I know he cares for me. I really do think that if I could hear him tell me he loves me, I would feel alot better. I just know I cant hang on much longer.

I got him a really nice father's day card, so hopefully that will open him up a bit.

I really want to kill Marlene. Hopefully, she will get found guilty when she goes to court, and everything will be better when Brian can get is daughter full time.

I will pray for that as hard as I can at church. I will pray for God to guise me in the direction I need to go with everything.

And to boot, a friend asked me the other day when Brian and I were going to start trying to have babies.

Of course I am so damn honest, I couldn't sabotage Brian and get pregnant on purpose.

Hell, we haven't even told each other "I love you". This still bugs me. I hope it's soon. I have this little plan that I should be 'sleeping' and he kisses me goodbye and I sleepily slip out 'Love you'....I have been unsuccessful :(

If by our 5 month anniversary I haven't heard anything, I will just up and blurt it out. I figure that's enough time.

I love Brian Robert Cannon, and I will stand by my commitment to him to be supportive in any way I can.

I am already practicing what would be marriage vows.

Better or worse.
Richer or poorer.
Sickness and health.

All of it.