I have been having suicidal thoughts

I had a really bad day today.
This all started at the beginning of my week after my date with David.
I came home with a renewed sence of motivation to become a healthier person and to quit smoking.
Yes, in some sort of weird way, I would be doing this all for a guy, but in the mean time it would really help with my self esteem.

My self esteem.
Big joke.

I am happy with who I am on the inside. I am funny, smart, charming, attractive. I know I am a good person. I love what I do for a living. I know I make people feel better. SO why can't I be happy just the way I am?

I am figured out that I have way too much free time here in CA> I have very few friends, and even fewer to hang out with. I have Corissa, but our schedules are so different, that we don't get to spend much time together.




I have been able to link all of my adult issues with what I had gone through as a pre-teen and early teen.
When I was 11, I was picked on and beaten up by several of the kids in my class in the 6th grade.

I have realized that my need for attention, my outspoken behavior, my sense of humor, my earlier years of promiscuity have all stemmed from that.

I also have abandonment issues due to the fact that my teachers and administrators didn't help fix the situation. I know my parents went through hell and back trying to get some resolve out of the situation, and they had to give up too.

On top of all that, I have battleing eating disorder since I was 16 years old.

I think my problem with staying in my bad adult romantic relationships is because of this too. Even though I know they were bad boyfriends and not good for me, I stayed with them as long as I could no matter how sad I was because I wanted to have a sense of feeling loved and part of a loving relationship. Even though I was probably miserable at the time. This is probably a big reason why I had such a hard time getting over Jamie for so long.


Going back to the title. I have had so much free and alone time since I have been here in CA, that I think WAY too much.

I know I am only really thinking about this since I have had such a rotten aweful day. I only slept for 2.5 hours, woke up, and had a hard time trying to go back to sleep. I found myself getting upset, and I called my mother. I ended up crying hysterically and had a really hard time calming down. Before I called her I took a half a mg of xanax to help.

Mom said she was worried about me wanting to kill myself. I have made some comments to her lately which have been wuite alarming, and I can't blame her.

I wa having some really bad time with my reflux, and I couldn't get it under control. I was secretly hoping I had some type of stomach or esophageal cancer so that I could be sick and lose weight. I still wish I could have surgery and have half my stomach removed so I could lose weight. As far as I am concerned, my physical body has been the reason for most of my mental illness, and that shit should be covered by insurance if you ask me.

I am extremely jealous of my mom since she has lost about 20 lbs since she had her open heart surgery, adn of course she wasn't trying.

I have been dieting since I have been in CA. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't Ilose weight by eating healthier? I am eating 3 types of diet pills, 3 times a day. So far I have noticed a slight difference in my apetite, and I feel the need to force myslf to eat. I have Taco Bell tonight as a comfort food, since I deserve it because I have had such a bad day today.

Now here's what I am feeling. I have been thinking of killing myself, but I knwo that I could not carry it out. I have a patient right now that is completely blind because he tried to shoot himself in the head. I don't want to take that risk, plus I don't want to risk missing a shot at going to heaven if it really pissed God off that much.

I hjave thought that if maybe I had a broken bone or something I could get a little sympathy. Maybe if I cut myself on purpose but made it look like an accident
somewhere bad enough to where I needed stitches I would feel better. People cut themselves all the time, and even though it's a problem, it makes them feel better.

A big problem that is my fault id that I quit taking my Cymbalta and got a script from my doc for Zoloft. I am probably going through cymbalta withdrawel, and I knwo that when I have gone through it before I have been this way. I also started taking Chantix the other day, adn I have heard some pretty weird stories about how people had mentally changed and some had tried to kill themselves.

If I am still feeling luike this a week after I see my Mom, wich is in 2 weeks, I will have myself checked into a psych facility. I really need therapy. But of course, the one thing I want that I feel could fix everything is if I had a boyfriend. If I could be happy with some one, I would be spending less time alone, and in a positive environment.

Of course I lied to my MOm and told her I was taking the Zoloft already, when in actualiity, I haven't gotten the script filled yet. If I can remember, I need to go to Targeyt tomorrow and have my meds filled.

I also ensured Mom that I was taking the medicine. I think I am PMSing as well, so of course all of this is just becoming a mountain out of a mole hill.

I keep wishing it would all go away. I keep praying to God for him to help me. I am not mad at him, I just don't understand why he is testing me.

Mom wants me to leave CA and move back home. Truth be told, I lied to her about one of the reasons why I wanted to stay here. I am hoping that this whole thing with David is just the stupid BS beginning of realy dating, and that we could have a nice and happy relationship. Him or anyone really. I just know that the situation would be great if something good developed because I know he is wealthy (which is not the reason I like him) and if there were ever to be a situation where I could move in, I could save money, he could take care of me, I could get a part time job, adn I could go back to school and not have to move back in with my parents.

Mom is so desparate for me to move back. I just have a guy feeling that if I stay a little longer, something, I don't know what, but something really good will happen to me and I don't want to leave just yet because I don't want to miss out on what I feel is out there for me.

If I left in May, after this assignment is over and I couldn't geta new one, I promised her that I would move back home. I would at least be closer to Susie and my family, but I would feel like a failure that I couldn't achieve anything ehile I was out here in CA. I would feel like I would be giving up or something. Even quitting. Those are 2 things I don't ever want to do. I don't want to be labled a quitter. NEVER.

I do, however keep finding myself screaming on the inside that I want to go home. But where? Home to my apartment here in CA? Where I find myself saying I want to go home the most?
Home to TN, with Mom and Dave?
Home to STL, with the rest of my family and move in with Dad until I get my shit together?

Mom had mentioned that she was going to call Dr. Phil. I think I might look that up myself. I would hope that if I did end up going on the show that people wouldn't recognize me, adn that I could get the therapy I needed and that maybe, just maybe, he could give me the money I needed to go to school or something like that. They do it on his show from time to time and so does Oprah. If I got a financial handout, I think I would be more willing to give up travelling to go back to school. One could only hope and pray that I could have that happen to me. Nothing like that never does.

you gotta be kidding me

So, I tried to start a new entry last night regarding my date with David. I am still trying to debate whether he thought it was a date or just meeting someone new. I have to say I am quite interested in hime, but I am still in a fog as to how to read this guy.

I was told by several of my gf and my Mom that I shouldn't call or email him, and wait for him to contact me first. To be honest, I don't want to live with regrets, and I hate playing the dating games.

Who calls who first?
Who makes the first move?
Blah.

Well, like I said, I didn't want to have any regret, which is why I asked to see if he was interested in meeting up some time in the first place. He was all game, since he is the first one to say he was willing to show me around.

ANyhow, I thought the date was a success, we hit it off, had lot's to talk about.

My inpatient self was kind of hoping I would have an email waiting for me when I got home from him telling me he had a good time etc...

No.

So, I took my friend Holly's advice and I emailed him. I said thanks for sinner, I had a good time, it was nice to meet you and I hope to talk to you soon. I sent this at about 830P last night, and when I got up today, I got a response.

At first I smiled and was very anticipant to see what he had to say in response.

This is what I got Back-

Sarah,
It was very nice meeting you too!

-David

WTF?

How the hell do you read that? I fucking hate this. The only thing I really want is a nice guy that likes me and treats me nice. He seems to be a guy with real manners, and a non sleaze-bag.

If he is just trying to be nice, I would have rather him be a complete dick and not respond at all.

How am I going to follow up with this?

What a fucking week.

I would like to ask him out to dinner or bowling or something, but for some reason, this guy intimidates me. Not in a bad way. But sionce I can't read him, it's hard for me to see if I should ven muster up any guts to even try.

I am going to wait a few days. I am going to meet up with my friend Nicole tomorrow, and I have Saturday off. Maybe I can be ballsy enough to see if he'd be interested in bowling. I dunno.

I am so sick and tired of being single.

date?

I am sitting here at work, waiting to get off, so I can go to the store, get some razors, a pair of balck slacks that fit, and get ready in enough time for a proposed date with a guy I met on the internet, David.

Long story short, I met him online while I was still in Alaska, and we had discussed meeting when I was to get here in CA in October. I blew off the idea, since I was to be with Sean, having all the stupid dreams and plans in my head that had gone awry. I forgot about him for a while, and then I decided to contact him and see if he still wanted to meet up at some point in time. Well, tonight is supposed to be the night.

I haven't heard from him since Thursday night. I sent an email this morning to see if tonight was still on, and I have yet to hear from him.

I am going to hold up my end of the bargain. I will be at Sapore-Italiano in Burlingame at 7PM. I am hoping that I won't get stod up again, as I was stood up technically by Sean. Only time will tell.

I have to work nights tomorrow night and Thurday and Friday from MN to 8AM. I am sure I will have plenty of time to type away with all of my thoughts and experiences for this week.

since i told you its over

Black and blue from the wind and the rain
Said I'm sorry for the lies and the pain
I never ever meant to make you cry
If I could take you back, you know, I would,
I wanna burn up and die

So take a look at me now
Since I told you it's over
You got a hole in your heart
I'll find a four leaf clover
You can't tell me this now
This far down the line
That you're never, ever gonna get over me

You've seen a cross, it's a cross I bear
You're drinking, hard up, living without a hope or a care
You're making do to please, see what makes you smile
You're not around for long, you gotta see what's gonna move your life right along

So take a look at me now
Since I told you it's over
You got a hole in your heart
I'll find a four leaf clover
You can't tell me this now
This far down the line
That you're never, ever gonna get over me

I'm lost
I'm cold
I'm getting old
My head is filled with lies I told

I've been down
I've been around
But I've fallen on my own two feet
And I've left you out to drown
I never meant for that

I look around, sometimes I stare
I think back now and then, I hope you know I care
I walked away that day, trying to treat you right
But you were on your track, it was me turning back, I left you freezing outside

So take a look at me now
Since I told you it's over
You got a hole in your heart
I'll find a four leaf clover
You can't tell me this now
This far down the line
That you're never, ever gonna get over me
Never get over me
Never get over me

But you were on your track, it was me turning back, I left you freezing outside

So take a look at me now
Since I told you it's over
You got a hole in your heart
I'll find a four leaf clover
You can't tell me this now
This far down the line (to fade)

to sean

i have to say I am very sad that I have done nothing but look for you for 10 years and finally come so close only for you to break my heart. or maybe I aown? am I really in love with you, or is it the idea of it all that I am in love with? I wish i could have seen you and decided for myself. i really hate that i have been waiting for this for a long time only to be punched in the stomach aagain for chasing another man across the country. i am so depressed. i wish i could tell you everything. like how the only reason i wanted the job here was for you. i had all theses visions of what could be only to spend my time here by myself wondering what if. i am so mad at you for keeping my hopes up. or should i be mad at myself for having such deluded high hopes. who knows. i wish i could just talk to you. i wish i could just hear you tell me youre sorry for doing this to me.
i am such a lonely person. all i want is to have someone in my life to gve me passion, and for to feel loved. i so wish that was you. i will never do this again. i cant. i don;t think my heart can handle it anymore.
i just want to go home. i hate it here. all i wanted was you. that's it.

email I sent to Holly

She was his roommate here in San Fran. They were friends in NY too. Tnat's how they know each other.
She saw a comment I left him on his page, and went to my page,and then followed the link to my blog. She left me a comment on blogger, and we were emailing back and forth yesterday. I actually talked to her on the phone yesterday, and she is really cool, and very nice.

I haven't gotten more info aout of her than he had to move back because "something came up". I didn't pry too much since she seemed to be guarded about about it, but hopefully, I will find something out. She did mention he didn't get really 'rooted' here.

But she said if I ever wanted to go and hang out with her in the city, I was more than welcome to come by and she would show me around. I defo should take her up on it and be smoothe about how I get info from her about Sean.

She told me he was so excited I was coming and that he took out old Army pics and was showing her. That xounts for something, I guess.

The mystery is still unsolved as of yet. But I will get it figured out in due time. All I know is that I am NEVER going to pick a job, assignment, place to live agian based on a man's involvement. YES, I had to learn the hard way...the very hard, punch in the stomach way....But I am relieved I know now that he wanted to get together at least and hang out. And that the reason he wasn't calling me back was because he was avoiding me. He's doing it to everyone. If I find out anything else, I will defo let you in on it.

As for now, I am really thinking I won't be staying in this area for longer than this assignment, which makes me sad. I still have so much more I want to do here. It sucks, too, since I had such high hopes for this place, and so far nothing is rearing it's ugly head to make me happy.

I really liked Monterey yesterday. It was absolutely the most beautiful place I have ever seen. There is a VA clinic in the area I am trying to get my recruiter to keep and eye out for a position for, and also a VA in SF. I am crossing my fingers and praying hard I can get a job in one of those places. But it may be one of those things where I end up in Arizona or something. Who knows. I am trying to do another cross country drive if at all possible, but I must go where the jobs are.

That's about all I can think of. Is there any way you and Derek can pitstop in SFO on your ways to or from Vegas??? JK, I know it's not posible, but I want you guys to have a killer time, K?

break up

I just want to be happy.
I was hoping that you were going to help with that.
But as it turns out, yu don't make me happy at all.
All I wanted was what I gave.
I thought you could change, but I know now that waiting would only make it worse for me.
Icould give you a time limit for you to shape up,
But I think I realized you can't make me happy.
I guess it's time for you to catch up.