to sean

i have to say I am very sad that I have done nothing but look for you for 10 years and finally come so close only for you to break my heart. or maybe I aown? am I really in love with you, or is it the idea of it all that I am in love with? I wish i could have seen you and decided for myself. i really hate that i have been waiting for this for a long time only to be punched in the stomach aagain for chasing another man across the country. i am so depressed. i wish i could tell you everything. like how the only reason i wanted the job here was for you. i had all theses visions of what could be only to spend my time here by myself wondering what if. i am so mad at you for keeping my hopes up. or should i be mad at myself for having such deluded high hopes. who knows. i wish i could just talk to you. i wish i could just hear you tell me youre sorry for doing this to me.
i am such a lonely person. all i want is to have someone in my life to gve me passion, and for to feel loved. i so wish that was you. i will never do this again. i cant. i don;t think my heart can handle it anymore.
i just want to go home. i hate it here. all i wanted was you. that's it.