I have been having suicidal thoughts

I had a really bad day today.
This all started at the beginning of my week after my date with David.
I came home with a renewed sence of motivation to become a healthier person and to quit smoking.
Yes, in some sort of weird way, I would be doing this all for a guy, but in the mean time it would really help with my self esteem.

My self esteem.
Big joke.

I am happy with who I am on the inside. I am funny, smart, charming, attractive. I know I am a good person. I love what I do for a living. I know I make people feel better. SO why can't I be happy just the way I am?

I am figured out that I have way too much free time here in CA> I have very few friends, and even fewer to hang out with. I have Corissa, but our schedules are so different, that we don't get to spend much time together.




I have been able to link all of my adult issues with what I had gone through as a pre-teen and early teen.
When I was 11, I was picked on and beaten up by several of the kids in my class in the 6th grade.

I have realized that my need for attention, my outspoken behavior, my sense of humor, my earlier years of promiscuity have all stemmed from that.

I also have abandonment issues due to the fact that my teachers and administrators didn't help fix the situation. I know my parents went through hell and back trying to get some resolve out of the situation, and they had to give up too.

On top of all that, I have battleing eating disorder since I was 16 years old.

I think my problem with staying in my bad adult romantic relationships is because of this too. Even though I know they were bad boyfriends and not good for me, I stayed with them as long as I could no matter how sad I was because I wanted to have a sense of feeling loved and part of a loving relationship. Even though I was probably miserable at the time. This is probably a big reason why I had such a hard time getting over Jamie for so long.


Going back to the title. I have had so much free and alone time since I have been here in CA, that I think WAY too much.

I know I am only really thinking about this since I have had such a rotten aweful day. I only slept for 2.5 hours, woke up, and had a hard time trying to go back to sleep. I found myself getting upset, and I called my mother. I ended up crying hysterically and had a really hard time calming down. Before I called her I took a half a mg of xanax to help.

Mom said she was worried about me wanting to kill myself. I have made some comments to her lately which have been wuite alarming, and I can't blame her.

I wa having some really bad time with my reflux, and I couldn't get it under control. I was secretly hoping I had some type of stomach or esophageal cancer so that I could be sick and lose weight. I still wish I could have surgery and have half my stomach removed so I could lose weight. As far as I am concerned, my physical body has been the reason for most of my mental illness, and that shit should be covered by insurance if you ask me.

I am extremely jealous of my mom since she has lost about 20 lbs since she had her open heart surgery, adn of course she wasn't trying.

I have been dieting since I have been in CA. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't Ilose weight by eating healthier? I am eating 3 types of diet pills, 3 times a day. So far I have noticed a slight difference in my apetite, and I feel the need to force myslf to eat. I have Taco Bell tonight as a comfort food, since I deserve it because I have had such a bad day today.

Now here's what I am feeling. I have been thinking of killing myself, but I knwo that I could not carry it out. I have a patient right now that is completely blind because he tried to shoot himself in the head. I don't want to take that risk, plus I don't want to risk missing a shot at going to heaven if it really pissed God off that much.

I hjave thought that if maybe I had a broken bone or something I could get a little sympathy. Maybe if I cut myself on purpose but made it look like an accident
somewhere bad enough to where I needed stitches I would feel better. People cut themselves all the time, and even though it's a problem, it makes them feel better.

A big problem that is my fault id that I quit taking my Cymbalta and got a script from my doc for Zoloft. I am probably going through cymbalta withdrawel, and I knwo that when I have gone through it before I have been this way. I also started taking Chantix the other day, adn I have heard some pretty weird stories about how people had mentally changed and some had tried to kill themselves.

If I am still feeling luike this a week after I see my Mom, wich is in 2 weeks, I will have myself checked into a psych facility. I really need therapy. But of course, the one thing I want that I feel could fix everything is if I had a boyfriend. If I could be happy with some one, I would be spending less time alone, and in a positive environment.

Of course I lied to my MOm and told her I was taking the Zoloft already, when in actualiity, I haven't gotten the script filled yet. If I can remember, I need to go to Targeyt tomorrow and have my meds filled.

I also ensured Mom that I was taking the medicine. I think I am PMSing as well, so of course all of this is just becoming a mountain out of a mole hill.

I keep wishing it would all go away. I keep praying to God for him to help me. I am not mad at him, I just don't understand why he is testing me.

Mom wants me to leave CA and move back home. Truth be told, I lied to her about one of the reasons why I wanted to stay here. I am hoping that this whole thing with David is just the stupid BS beginning of realy dating, and that we could have a nice and happy relationship. Him or anyone really. I just know that the situation would be great if something good developed because I know he is wealthy (which is not the reason I like him) and if there were ever to be a situation where I could move in, I could save money, he could take care of me, I could get a part time job, adn I could go back to school and not have to move back in with my parents.

Mom is so desparate for me to move back. I just have a guy feeling that if I stay a little longer, something, I don't know what, but something really good will happen to me and I don't want to leave just yet because I don't want to miss out on what I feel is out there for me.

If I left in May, after this assignment is over and I couldn't geta new one, I promised her that I would move back home. I would at least be closer to Susie and my family, but I would feel like a failure that I couldn't achieve anything ehile I was out here in CA. I would feel like I would be giving up or something. Even quitting. Those are 2 things I don't ever want to do. I don't want to be labled a quitter. NEVER.

I do, however keep finding myself screaming on the inside that I want to go home. But where? Home to my apartment here in CA? Where I find myself saying I want to go home the most?
Home to TN, with Mom and Dave?
Home to STL, with the rest of my family and move in with Dad until I get my shit together?

Mom had mentioned that she was going to call Dr. Phil. I think I might look that up myself. I would hope that if I did end up going on the show that people wouldn't recognize me, adn that I could get the therapy I needed and that maybe, just maybe, he could give me the money I needed to go to school or something like that. They do it on his show from time to time and so does Oprah. If I got a financial handout, I think I would be more willing to give up travelling to go back to school. One could only hope and pray that I could have that happen to me. Nothing like that never does.