to sean

i have to say I am very sad that I have done nothing but look for you for 10 years and finally come so close only for you to break my heart. or maybe I aown? am I really in love with you, or is it the idea of it all that I am in love with? I wish i could have seen you and decided for myself. i really hate that i have been waiting for this for a long time only to be punched in the stomach aagain for chasing another man across the country. i am so depressed. i wish i could tell you everything. like how the only reason i wanted the job here was for you. i had all theses visions of what could be only to spend my time here by myself wondering what if. i am so mad at you for keeping my hopes up. or should i be mad at myself for having such deluded high hopes. who knows. i wish i could just talk to you. i wish i could just hear you tell me youre sorry for doing this to me.
i am such a lonely person. all i want is to have someone in my life to gve me passion, and for to feel loved. i so wish that was you. i will never do this again. i cant. i don;t think my heart can handle it anymore.
i just want to go home. i hate it here. all i wanted was you. that's it.

email I sent to Holly

She was his roommate here in San Fran. They were friends in NY too. Tnat's how they know each other.
She saw a comment I left him on his page, and went to my page,and then followed the link to my blog. She left me a comment on blogger, and we were emailing back and forth yesterday. I actually talked to her on the phone yesterday, and she is really cool, and very nice.

I haven't gotten more info aout of her than he had to move back because "something came up". I didn't pry too much since she seemed to be guarded about about it, but hopefully, I will find something out. She did mention he didn't get really 'rooted' here.

But she said if I ever wanted to go and hang out with her in the city, I was more than welcome to come by and she would show me around. I defo should take her up on it and be smoothe about how I get info from her about Sean.

She told me he was so excited I was coming and that he took out old Army pics and was showing her. That xounts for something, I guess.

The mystery is still unsolved as of yet. But I will get it figured out in due time. All I know is that I am NEVER going to pick a job, assignment, place to live agian based on a man's involvement. YES, I had to learn the hard way...the very hard, punch in the stomach way....But I am relieved I know now that he wanted to get together at least and hang out. And that the reason he wasn't calling me back was because he was avoiding me. He's doing it to everyone. If I find out anything else, I will defo let you in on it.

As for now, I am really thinking I won't be staying in this area for longer than this assignment, which makes me sad. I still have so much more I want to do here. It sucks, too, since I had such high hopes for this place, and so far nothing is rearing it's ugly head to make me happy.

I really liked Monterey yesterday. It was absolutely the most beautiful place I have ever seen. There is a VA clinic in the area I am trying to get my recruiter to keep and eye out for a position for, and also a VA in SF. I am crossing my fingers and praying hard I can get a job in one of those places. But it may be one of those things where I end up in Arizona or something. Who knows. I am trying to do another cross country drive if at all possible, but I must go where the jobs are.

That's about all I can think of. Is there any way you and Derek can pitstop in SFO on your ways to or from Vegas??? JK, I know it's not posible, but I want you guys to have a killer time, K?

break up

I just want to be happy.
I was hoping that you were going to help with that.
But as it turns out, yu don't make me happy at all.
All I wanted was what I gave.
I thought you could change, but I know now that waiting would only make it worse for me.
Icould give you a time limit for you to shape up,
But I think I realized you can't make me happy.
I guess it's time for you to catch up.

RUN by Snow Patrol

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

ROAD TRIP PLANS!!!!

What I really want to do if I actually get this damn job in Palo ALto!

My cousin Andrea lives in Parker, Colorado, just outside of Denver. I would drive from St. Louis to there. About 12 or so hours. I would stay for 2 days. (851 miles)

Next stop: Alamogordo, New Mexico. I would visit my friend Jamie, who has been he love of my live. Very unrequited, but not in the typical sense. He just doesn't know how to let his guard down and let someone love him. Very complex man. I love him still, and there will always be a place in my heart for that man. No matter what, he will always be my friend, and I will always have a part of me that will get week in the knees any time I would get to see him. I would probably stay at least 2 days.(539 miles)

Stop #3: Flagstaff, Arizona if my friend Andrea gets a job there. I haven't seen her since July, and I miss the hell outta her :( (532 miles)

Last STOP.....................PALO ALTO!!!!!!!!!! 742 miles, probably 12 hours of a drive. If I end up there too early, well....I can just make a nice little friendly pit stop in San Francisco to reunite with the man of my dreams. Mr. Sean-Michael Robert Hurley. A man for whom I have known since I was 18 years old, liberated for the first time in my life, and away from home in Texas for Fire School.

He was everything I had ever deramed of in a man, and it was all before I had even met him. I have been with many men since him. I have had several fasiled attempts at relationships and many heartbreaks too. In the back of my mind, after all of these years, I never was able to shake him out of my mind. I finally looked him up last year on MySpace, and we have been talking online ever since. I am really having overly high hopes about this *hopefully positive* trip to Cali.

I am hoping I get there, he falls madly in love with me, and that's the end of all my suffering days in the life of a single woman. I fantasize about it daily, sadly enough. But I have a great rooted feeling that all these years of waiting for my Mr. Right are going to be over soon.

I have spoken witht the Lord several times regarding my dreams of being with this man, and I know that He will make the right decision for me. I am just hoping we are both on the same page here.

here we go....THE ROSTER

1)James Edward Forrest Robert Evans(US ARMY; 11-17-1997)

2)Sean-Michael Robert Hurley(US ARMY @ Goodfellow AFB, San Angelo, TX; May 1998)

3)Alejandro "Alex" Diaz(USMC @ GFAFB, SA, TX;summer 1998)

4)Jack Topakitchian(same as above;summer 1998)

5)Tre Wright(same as above;summer 1998)

6)Blake Raley(same as above;summer 1998)

7)Chris Hamm(US ARMY, same location;summer 1998)

8)Mike Konieczny(RSHS classmatesummer/winter1998-1999)

9)Darin Lyle Davis

10)Brad Richard Patton(met at a bar called Steamers in Washington, MO. Dated for 4 months;December 99-March/April 2000)

11)Nick Scarpino 2000-2002

12)Kevin Fone(went to HS with my sister, met at Melissa Henry's wedding) summer 99

13)Ryan Katigbak(met through Jamie Yonko)spring 03

14)Chris Musca(aquaintance of Jamie Yonko)summer 03

15)Kevin ???(weirdo at another guy named Kevin's house) summer 03?

16)Jamie Yonko(worked with at Lone Star) 2-1-2003 to 9-05

17)Frank O'Brien(co-worker at Lone Star)summer 02

18)Jason S.???(co-worker at Lone Star) summer 03

19)Mike Bach(co-worker at Lone Star) summer 03-fall of 03

20)Andrew Gregory(met at the Brick Bistro via Amanda Hilke) summer 03?

21)Neil S???(met via Tammy Suess)one time, August 05

22)Bryce Schlect(met on Blues Cruise 2-2004 through 8-04)

23)Brian Fox(met at Margarita Mama's with Kelly Leone) summer 03

24)Mike A.(met at Senses nightclub while out with Susie) 11-06

25)Kit Wagner(6-21-07; met via his cousin Steve Boing)

26)Edwin Cook(aquaintance of friends in Nome, AK; 7-7-07)

27)Milan Lidell Schield(friend, Nome AK; 9-3-07)

28)Brian Cannon(my best friend Missy's brother and my friend, Nome, AK 1-31-09)

29)Travis Andersen(friend, met via Brian and said group 11/2/09, Nome, AK)

30) Joee Haugen (friend at first...12/13/09, Nome, AK)

okay so here's the lowdown on what's pissing me off right now

So, for a few months now, I have been 'talking' to a new friend of mine whom I met through my friend Steve. It is his cousin, Kit. I met him in person at a bar called Croc's in Oakville 2 years ago. I didn't think much of him because I was awestruck by Steve and his ridiculous good looks.

Well, time passed, I moved to Memphis area, and reconnected with Steve via MySpace. At first, I was retardedly enamoured by him, his personality, his good looks, and the fact that I idolized him in high school. He was very popular, and everyone liked him. We worked together at Steak N' Shake, and he was nice to me, so I felt like I fit in more when I was in HS, and I am eternally grateful for that.

But back to the story at hand. I made 'friends' with Kit on MySpace as well. We had chatted and emailed and responded to each others posted bulletins. Whatever. Well, over the last few months, more so the month and a half before I left for the lower 48, we had been emailing e/o maybe 3-5 a day, leaving comments for e/o and commenting on e/o pics on our profile. I was starting to crush on him. From what I saw in pics, he was really cute, and I really enjoyed his personality and sense of humor. It also seemed like we had alot of the same social and political views.

Well, from viewing his profile, there were no pics of any females. No mention of a lady in his life, but it said 'in a relationship'. I actually thought it was an oversight on his part. I had called Steve to make sure he was still gonna be my date to my 10 year reunion, and he mentioned that KIT WAS ENGAGED!!!! Needless to say I was quite shocked at this news. My response was "I didn't even know he had a girlfriend!" So anyhow, I am kinda let down, but not too bad, since what was I gonna do? He had a gf, but was quite adamant about hanging out when I was to come into town.

Well, I forgot, but a week later I told him congrats on the engagement. He surprised me by telling me she flipped out and cancelled on the whole thing. He then went into rebound mode. He was being quite forward (trying to make it all look like a joke), but asking me if I wanted a "stunt cock" (not really smooth) and 'jokes' referencing to rebounding on both our behalves. Oh well, I kinda liked it. I was still crushing on him a little, and I was thinking that maybe this might turn out to be something good out of all of this.

We talked a few times while I was in town (STL) and met up the Thursday I was there. I ended up meeting him at a friend's house. It was a lot of fun , and we talked quite a bit. We had to crash there cause neither one of us was in a condition to drive anywhere. We ended up sleeping on the floor in this guys room in the basement, with him sleeping in his bed maybe 6 or so feet away.

Well, one thing led to another, and we were hot and heavy for a while. But the 2 of us were so retarded drunk that the coordination was off. Next thing I know, I am waking up, and getting ready to leave.

Kit walks me to my car, gives me a hug, and drives ahead of me to lead me out of the subdivision we were in.

We made plans via email for him to meet me up at the Way Out Club and see my friends' band play. After being there the whole night and no Kit, I had begun to think I had been stood up.

I get a phone call at 3 AM from Kit: he had gotten arrested for setting off illegal firecrackers in someones mailbox. Mature, yeah I know. Anyhow, he called to apologize for being stupid and missing out on the evening. We talked for a good hour and he had me rolling laughing with his sense of humor. We departed on the phone on fantastic terms, and had made plans for him to meet up with Steve and I after the reunion.

WELL... The next night again, he is a no show. I get an email later from him saying that he had a friend pass away, and that he was truly sorry he had missed out on meeting up with us.

We exchange emails over the next few days, and every time I see a message from him on MySpace, I smile and giggle a little. I posted the pic of us the night we hung out, and he even commented on it twice. A few days later, he posted the same pic! Not once had I ever seen a pic of a girl on his profile. The headline was "The Swartz is with me". I was quite flattered, and this of all things made me very hopeful. Well, the 1st of July rolls around, and I am playing on the computer and I went to sent him a comment, and his profile is set to private and I had been deleted from his friends list. And not to mention, right before this, I was in his top friends.

So, I think, well this is just a silly little mistake. SO I put in a new friends request and mailed him a message. No response. I waited a few more days, and put in a new request, no reply. He read the new email I sent him though, and no response.

WTF?!?!?!?!

No explanation? Nothing? He even deleted himself from subscribing to my blog! This hurts really bad. For the first time in 3 years I really like someone based on their personality more than looks, and it seems like everything is going to be ok, and I get fucked over like this.

I mentioned it to Steve, and all he could say is that it was rude. I know he won't meddle in it because he's not the type. Kit's family, I'm just a friend. I would love to talk to Steve about it, but who knows, maybe he had something to say to Kit that had him make the decision to delete me. Who knows.

I am still trying to cope with all this since it is quite a blow to my self esteem. Great. I feel like I am gonna be single forever. Hopefully I can find some type of resolve in all of this, who knows.

I am planning on calling him sometime this week and see if I can talk to him about it. I have a feeling he wouldn't answer the phone, so I would have to leave a message. But then I am trying to think of what I would even say to his voicemail if that were the case. I am currently awaiting tips from friends on what I should do/say. I'm sure there will be a whole new blog when that comes around. But until then, I am going to be adult, calm and reasonable for this situation, even though it really makes me upset to think about any of it. Just sucks that I really liked this person, and I know for sure he liked me too.

My only thought as to what was going on is that his ex-fiance is back in the picture, found out about us, and was forced to boot me from his life. Hopefully, I will be able to find out this week when I get the nerve to call him.

disappointment

What I kinda feel like right now. Minus the fighting reference...

"Disappointment"
by: The Cranberries

A disappointment. Oh, you shouldn't have done, You couldn't have done, You wouldn't have done the things you did then. And we could've been happy. What a piteous thing, A hideous thing was tainted by the rest, But it won't get any harder, And I hope you'll find your way again. And it won't get any higher, And it all boils down to what you did, Then... [X 8]In the night we fight, I fled, you're right. It was exactly then, it was exactly then, I decided, decided, decided, decide. Oh, that threw you out. In the night we fight, I fled, you're right. It was exactly then, it was exactly then, I decided, decided, decided, decided. Mmm... Mmmm... But it won't be any harder, And I hope you'll find your way again. And it won't get any higher, And it all boils down to what you did...

fuck, shit, piss

So, lemme just say, that MEN ARE A FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!