Well, 2009 is starting off alot better than 2008, and definitely better than I had hoped for.

I am in Nome right now, as I will be for the next 2 months. I am still talking to Mick weekly, except, I will probably not be able to talk to him for a while since he has had to go home to England to be with his family as his mother is undergoing a total colectomy 2nd to colon cancer.

In the meantime, I have been seeing Brian. I met him in October when I got back to Nome. He is my friend Missy's older brother, and at the time he was dating someone. I found out at Halloween that they had broken up, and this was semi exciting to me since I had developed a crush on him. To me he is quite handsome, and he makes me laugh. I didn't pursue anything at the time, as I knew he had just been through a breakup, and I was uncomfortable with the fact that he was my friend's older brother.

So, I went home for 5 weeks at Xmas time, and decided that even though I was to try to get to know Mick as well as I could, I would try to pursue taking care of my sexual and physical, and maybe romantic and emotional needs. I had always flirted with Brian, and it didn't go anywhere. A few weeks ago, I got his phone number from Missy and texted him to come and meet us at the bar. He came within minutes, and earlier that night I confessed to Missy that I had a crush on him. She seemed amused and ok with it all, and I felt ok to go ahead and see where it could go. She did say that "he would like that" meaning he would like to know what I thought. I got really sick at the bar that night, so I did not get very far that night.

Well, last Saturday night I texted him again to come to the bar NOW, and he was there again, within minutes of my text. I was pretty inebriated, and prepared for whatever the night was to bring for I had taken a second shower and shaved everywhere. I managed to go home with him, where we then hooked up and my year and a half dry spell of no sex ended. I stayed over of course, waking up not knowing where the hell I was.

It was kind of nice since he let me sleep on his futon and he gave me a blanket and a pillow. I didn't hear from him again until this passed Wednesday when we texted each other a few times. Before we left each others presence, we sort of agreed that that night shouldn't be the last of it...

Well, we texted each other over the next week and met up again last Friday. We were at Breakers drinking, having a good time. I ended up sitting on his lap, and we kissed a few times, then left to go back to his house, with everyone seeing us together. I was a little freaked out since he kissed me in public, but a little excited at the same time since it was a simple proclamation that he's not ashamed to be with me in public, let alone not afraid of people seeing us together.

We didout thing a few times that night, and it was actually really awesome, so I was glad about that. I woke up the next day to his snoring.....loudly... I rustled about for a while, then settled in on his futon for a nap an hour later. After I woke up I layed there for a few minutes, thinking about everything just going on. I was a little cold so I crawled in bed with him telling him I was cold, so he snuggled with me and he instantly fell back asleep. Of course, I couldn't go back to sleep. Aside from his snoring that wasn't helping, the butterflies in my stomach were holding my z's away from me.

We hung out for the day, and it was great. He did little things like signals to make me feel like he really likes me. I'm too winded with typing right now to list them, but it was great getting the attention while sober, and it seemed sincere.

We went to go eat, but first I had to go to my place and change and freshen up a bit. So we landed back at the 14 Plex, but Missy wasn't there. Brain and Missy's mom was! Needless to say I was embarrassed. But we went to lunch/dinner at Milano's, then back to his place and had a good time. It came time for me to come home, so he drove me back to my apartment. He kissed me goodbye, which just cemented alot for me. It's what I was waiting for, and I got it.

We've texted a bit since, but not enough for my liking. I know h works for a company in town that will probably have him off on Monday for the holiday, so I am going to see if he would hang out or something Sunday night.

I already have plans with Missy to hang out with her and Hollyn, since she will be getting into town. Hopefully, I can get Brian in the mix. I will be on call until 11 PM, so I will have to remain sober, which is what I would like to do anyways so I don't get into any predicaments drunk, plus I would like for Brian (if he shows up) to see me sober so he doesn't think I only like him while I am drinking which is SO NOT WHAT IT IS!

I liked him (technically) last year when I met him, even though I knew he was with someone. I wasn't going to pursue anything, because I am not that kind of girl. He became single, so I went for it. Of course, this is a weird predicament I am in now considering Brian is still married to his should-be ex-wife Marlene, who now knows Brian and I are...(whatever we are, I can't really say we're dating)

I would like to officially be dating him, since I really like him but of course at this stage of the game, he is in control whether he knows it or not. The hardest things right now are the facts that I have no official idea how he feels about me, although I have a feeling he does, but I am not 100% about it, and I don't know if I will be able to stay longer than just 2 more months.

Then there is the pondering of whether or not the 2 things will e'en work together. Me staying here, and potentially having a relationship. My worst problem is the fact that I am thinking way too much about it. I would just like for once for things to work out the way that I want.

I am tired of being single. I don't like the fact that I didn't have sex for over a year and a half, and that I have been single for over 5 years. I am scared of being single, and losing the chances of having kids and a life not knowing what that would be like.

oh what a night

A few weeks ago I emailed and old friend from when I was in the Army on active duty.
He found me on Myspace a while back and I have to say when I saw he found me, I felt my heart drop a bit. His name is Mick and we instantly became friends when we met at the beer garden in Texas at the Air Force base I was stationed at. I knew early on he was sweet on me, but I didn't do anything about it, nor did he.

We, he phoned me this evening, and we talked for over 2 and a half hours. It was quite lovely. I don't know if back in the day I had true feelings for him, but I think after a long while that I maybe did, and was too scared to do anything about it. I am pretty sure I was worried about losing him as a friend if anything went awry.

So, this evening started out okay, talking the usual catching up bit, and then I realized he had been drinking. Not a big deal, as I drink in the evening myself. BUT- he did proclaim that he was in fact, desperately infatuated with me and I quote 'would have gone balls to the wall' on me if the chance had arisen. NOW-I do believe he still means that if he had the chance, he would still take up on it, and I think I would go for it.

He told me that there hadn't been a time passed 98 that he hadn't thought of me, and this makes me a little sad, since I know the feeling. I felt that way about Sean, and God knows now what he is up to, and I don't think I will ever know.

The weirder thing is that Mick said some things tonight that were almost direct quotes from the first time Sean and I talked since we'd last seen each other in 98.
A few differences were that Mick says he loves me. DO I believe it? Yes. But I think he is having a case of the lonlies and I just happen to be someone he would feel better talking to. I know he always was a little sweet on me. I love him too, but in the friend way, and the little crush I always had on him stayed my feelings. I hope one day he knows I never forgot about him either. We got our first tattoos together :)

Another almost exact thing Mick did was beg me to come to Maryland and 'be' with him. In addition, he wished to go to NYC. Another creepy coincidence, since 2.5 years ago, I was talking to Sean about the very same thing.

So, if I go to MD, would I be doing the same thing I did when I went out to CA for Sean? I think not, but the similarities are way too odd. I was already thinking about a travel assignment to MD after AK, and then meeting up with Mick anyhow. So whats keeping me? I think the apprehension is clear. I don't want to get fucked over again, and I know if I go over there, we will hook up, etc... But to what extent will things go? I guess time will tell, and I have 3 more moths to sit on it.

He fell asleep I assume while we were talking, and I told him good night, although I don't know if he was coherent enough to hear or acknowledge me. I sent him a text msg goodnight, and I think I will send him an email too just so he doesn't forget.

I haven't spoken with him since 1998 or 1999. Amazing how 10 years can change a person, and what can happen to someone in that amount of time.

Being the silly foolish girl I am, I kinda want this to be it. I want it to work. I have failed miserably in the love department, and something tells me that if things worked out, something cool could come of all of this. Of course, I am a stupid girl, and I think like this alot.

We'll see.

Christmas Eve used to be the best part of the holidays. Waiting up all night to hear if Santa had come in yet. I remember one year my sister and I were up at midnight when we discovered the presents under the tree. We got to open our presents right then, much to our parents dismay

I want those days back. I hate this bloody holiday. I want to go home.

again, I am profoundly surprised

Yes, for sure I know now, that I am totally over Jamie. It only took me sooooo long, but I am so glad I can finally get it off my chest.

I am writing. Not the story I had originally wanted to write, but a story noe the less that will have people unknowingly understand my pain.

I plan to write a book about the challenges I faced as child from being picked on, but I will get to that when I am done with my current novel.

I'm in th emood to clean today, and I am glad I feel better about myslef.

dear jamie

I am so over you, and I couldn't be happier. I hope I get to see you soon, but I am happy that now I no longer have any emotional clutches.

crazy

I am secretly planning a move in one year to London if I don't find love and satisfaction here in the states. I am tired of Americans in general.

There. I said it. I just may actually do it.

I will be a bride some day. If that doesn't happen, there is no use for me being here. I dream of him. I don't know what he looks like, what his name is, how old, how tall. I know nothing. I just know that I am a deserving person, and that some day he will find me.