lately

I have been thinking alot about Sean and Jamie alot.

I have exchanged a few emails with Jamie since he has been in Iraq. I have had increased feelings for him lately, and I think the prime suspect is time alone to think. I just have way too much of it.

So I decided to write him a letter. A long letter. I bought a smaller sized spiral notebook the other day, and I have been writing in it almost daily my thoghts about us, and my feelings to him, as a form of therapy. I can't bring myself to tell him my true feelings, so writing it down on paper takes a load off. Maybe one day I'll give it to him. WHo knows?

I need to do the same for Sean. I just hope that if I can do all this so-called therapy, one day when I am not thinking about it too much, the REAL Mr Right will appear, and I can laugh at all my nonsense.

Of course, I am mad at the both of them for allowing me to be led by a string, but in the same right I did it to myslef. I have NO reaqson WHATSOEVER to have feelings for either of these men. Just so happens, I do anyways because I have nothing else better to do.

FUCK!!!!!!!!

Why is that when I tell people my guidlines for a man that I would be interested are, they tell me I will be single for a long time?

My requirements are:

never married
never widowed
never divorced
no children
no older than 5 years my senior

Why is that people think there is no such man? Why am I the last of my friends to be in a good relationship, not married yet, or having kids? I have several friends, and even though I love them dearly, I am still insanely jealous of them for having something that I know most of them take for granted.

dream

So, I am dreaming of being in some weird restaraunt, and I am at the counter organzing my purse, and there is Sean, standing there, but not looking directly at me. I drop my things after I notice him, and instead of saying anything, I look him in the face with disbelief, and I throw my arms around him and his him as best I can. After his iniial 2 seconds of shock, he throws his arms around me and kisses me passionately in return.

I asked him why he was there, and in my dream, he said, "I felt you. I didn't know it was you I was feeling, but I knew something was here for me."

We gathered my belongings, he ate some M&M's, and he held my hand and we walked outside.

We didn't talk much in this dream. We held hands walking down the sidewalk and ended up sitting on a bench in a park, watching some performance about gardening.

Then the alarm went off. My fairytale was over.

I also had a bizzare dream last night involving my whole family. We were all at a fancy seafood place that in real life, doesn't exist. But in my dreams, it is a really good restaraunt and I really ove the place, but the last time I was there I didn't get to eat my entree. I don't remember why.

But in this dream, we are at this eatery for my birthday. my whole family including me is shit-faced drunk and my Mom and my sister end up flashing everyone. I throw a huge fit and they end up getting me arrested. After I a released they try to throw a suprise party for me to make it up, but I get really upset again and cut y hand pretty bad and end up having to go to the hospital to get it stitched up.

Then there was a piece about me in a theatre, and some pirate ship coming out for all to view and when it came out it bounced on the water like a hydraulic car.

My mind is weird.

mistake?

Wow, I have been making many lately. I think I made a HUGE one.

I got a chihuahua from the pound on Thursday. She's super sweet, and loveable. I just think she's too much for Chloe adn I am considering taking her back or finding someone I know to take her. I have a bad feeling that it won't ework out and might get dangerous between her adn the cat, adn I am scared one of them might get hurt in a fight.

The dog is already costing too much money. I spent 105 for the adoption, and over 200 already for doggie things and such.

I am wishing I havdn't done it, and that I should have listened to my Mom. I am going to ask a lady tomorrow if she wants her. Her name is Barb, and she already has a rat terrier, and she doesn't like it being alone. I mihgt have a good handle to work on here. I would only ask for the adoption fee amount, and I would give her the food and stuff, adn try to get a refund on whatever I could from PetSmart, since they have a pretty good return policy.

I am going to pray that all this works out.

In a perfect world, CHole would like other animals and this wouldn't be a problem.

I am just really ashamed and don't want to tell my mom. I hate to say it, but I am going to give this until Wednesday. If this does not pan out the way I want it to, I will take the dog back (if Barb doesn't want her)and tell Mom and everyone that I think would scold me that CHloe hissed, and the dog tried to bite her and that was the end of it. Sounds like a believable enough story I think.

I hope this works out the way it was supposed to be, and no matter what the dog gets a good home.

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I am afraid

That I am going to die alone.
I am scared that I am 28 and I will never get married. I am sad I am depressed and I don;t know if I'll ever overcome it.
I hate my life.
I am angry that my hopes and dreams for California ended up as horseshit, and I am miserable in the one place I have always wanted to live.
I am mad at the men I have tried to become close to.
Sean, I am mad I ever wanted to be out here because of you. And I am even more mad that you failed to inform me that you wouldn't be here after I drove 3000 excitedly just to see you.
David, you are the nicest asshole. Thanks for a lovely dinner, and fuck you for being a liar and a coward and not having enough balls to tell me you weren't interested in hanging out again. I was only looking for friends, so that's your fucking loss.

I AM TIRED OF BEING SO ANGRY AND JEALOUS ALL THE TIME. I WANT GOD TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME.

kill me now

I am sick and tired of being overweight. What kills me more is that I have become so lazy that I am finding excuses not to go and work out, go walking, or a good reason not to eat that donut.

I feel my belly growing daily, and I always just want to buckle down and cry. I feel like I am at the point of no return. If I start now, it may be for nothing.

I have been sick ever since I have quit smoking. Upper respiratory or GI something or other. I have been increasingly depressed. I cry all the time.

I'm homesick. I hate everyone. People piss me off so easily.

Oh yeah, and I haven't been taking my medications. A sort of boycott if you will. I am so pissed that I have to take them.

What bothers me the most is the fact that I have every resource out there to utilize dealing with my shortcomings. Why aren't there any options to get rid of what hurts you, instead of learning just how to 'deal' with it.

I still secretly wish for cancer every day so I can go on treatment and lose weight. Of course, a type of cancer that doesn't include oral steroids.

I ask God every day why I have to be like this. I don't understand. I don't want kids anymore because I don;t feel I have anything good to genetically pass down to them.

Let's see:
depression
ADD
obesity
alcoholism
anxirty

The only thing good I can pass on is a pretty face for about 25 years until the elements and the world turn against her.

I fucking HATE THIS! WIll someone please take it all away?