for my eyes only

Sunday, April 20, 2008

see more crazy cat pics

see more crazy cat picszburger.com">crazy cat pics

see more crazy cat pics

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I am afraid

That I am going to die alone.
I am scared that I am 28 and I will never get married. I am sad I am depressed and I don;t know if I'll ever overcome it.
I hate my life.
I am angry that my hopes and dreams for California ended up as horseshit, and I am miserable in the one place I have always wanted to live.
I am mad at the men I have tried to become close to.
Sean, I am mad I ever wanted to be out here because of you. And I am even more mad that you failed to inform me that you wouldn't be here after I drove 3000 excitedly just to see you.
David, you are the nicest asshole. Thanks for a lovely dinner, and fuck you for being a liar and a coward and not having enough balls to tell me you weren't interested in hanging out again. I was only looking for friends, so that's your fucking loss.

I AM TIRED OF BEING SO ANGRY AND JEALOUS ALL THE TIME. I WANT GOD TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

kill me now

I am sick and tired of being overweight. What kills me more is that I have become so lazy that I am finding excuses not to go and work out, go walking, or a good reason not to eat that donut.

I feel my belly growing daily, and I always just want to buckle down and cry. I feel like I am at the point of no return. If I start now, it may be for nothing.

I have been sick ever since I have quit smoking. Upper respiratory or GI something or other. I have been increasingly depressed. I cry all the time.

I'm homesick. I hate everyone. People piss me off so easily.

Oh yeah, and I haven't been taking my medications. A sort of boycott if you will. I am so pissed that I have to take them.

What bothers me the most is the fact that I have every resource out there to utilize dealing with my shortcomings. Why aren't there any options to get rid of what hurts you, instead of learning just how to 'deal' with it.

I still secretly wish for cancer every day so I can go on treatment and lose weight. Of course, a type of cancer that doesn't include oral steroids.

I ask God every day why I have to be like this. I don't understand. I don't want kids anymore because I don;t feel I have anything good to genetically pass down to them.

Let's see:
depression
ADD
obesity
alcoholism
anxirty

The only thing good I can pass on is a pretty face for about 25 years until the elements and the world turn against her.

I fucking HATE THIS! WIll someone please take it all away?

Thursday, February 28, 2008

thanks olivia

My recruiter sends me and email this morning.

Call me today, I'm worried about you.

I'm FUCKING FINE!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I am pissed off at David

I sent him an email on Sunday, and I still haven't heard back from him. I hope he has a good time in AK, but then soon after gives me a call and we can get together again. I'm just hurting for friends and fighting boredom.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Thank you, Art Marr

So I was talking to one of my patients yesterday about a subject we are both fond of: MOVIES!

We usually discuss what ones are our favorites, what we would like to see, etc...

Then I told him how I like to go to movies at the theatre by myself.

His automatic response cut into what I was saying.

"There is no reason why a woman like you should ever go to the movies alone. I can't understand how any man has ever passed you up!"

I could have cried. I am thinking about it now, kinda sad. the only thing I could tell him that I knew was true was that nice men don't ask me out. Nice men aren't interested in me.

I feel like there is something I am doing wrong. I know I am not as social as I would like to be out in CA. I thought I was going to have more friends than this. I was so excited to get up here and meet new people. I thought I had it all figured out because I would be hanging out with Sean, and that would be the start and solution to everything I needed as far as companioned comfort here in CA.

I didn't see it coming that he was already to be back in NY byt the time I got here in CA.

When I had started to give up on him, I went on Craig's List just to see what would happen if I solicited a woman seeking man ad. I got so many responses, it blew me away. there was one guy I was interested in that seemed to be promising that I had gotten enough courage to go and meet, and he dropped off the face of the Earth.

I realized I had this open invitation to hang out with David, so I opted to see what he would do. After about 2 months of email tag, we finally hung out 2 weeks ago for the first time.

He seemed so perfect. Handsome, nice manners, excellent vocabulary, good conversationalist, although I felt like I was on a job interview since he kept asking question after question...

Well, I heard one sentence from him since, and now nothing more than a week later.

I know he is going to Alaska next week for the Iditarod. I am way jealous, and I was hoping that would be a great tie for us to continue talking. I still think he is a busy guy and doesn't have much time. Although I know if a guy is interested, it doesn't matter, he'll call. I just keep praying that if nothing works out with David, a nice guy will finally come my way.

I confess

I admit something now, that I will probably look back on and shake my head.

I actually was motivated to quit smoking to have a chance with David, more than or my health.

My mom's recent heart surgery wasn't enough to shock me out of quitting. But a man was the reason. Not a guy I was in a committed relationship with, but one I had only met once.

WTF is wrong with me?

I know I did it in part to help my mom quit, but the sadness is, I am disappointed in myself that I couldn't have done this on my own earlier.

I am hoping that my Mom, Jess, Weez, and Dad all can quit on the Chantix like I have.

I hope if David ever finds out that I quit smoking because of him how much of an honor that is.