thanks olivia

My recruiter sends me and email this morning.

Call me today, I'm worried about you.


I'm FUCKING FINE!

I am pissed off at David

I sent him an email on Sunday, and I still haven't heard back from him. I hope he has a good time in AK, but then soon after gives me a call and we can get together again. I'm just hurting for friends and fighting boredom.

Thank you, Art Marr

So I was talking to one of my patients yesterday about a subject we are both fond of: MOVIES!

We usually discuss what ones are our favorites, what we would like to see, etc...

Then I told him how I like to go to movies at the theatre by myself.

His automatic response cut into what I was saying.

"There is no reason why a woman like you should ever go to the movies alone. I can't understand how any man has ever passed you up!"

I could have cried. I am thinking about it now, kinda sad. the only thing I could tell him that I knew was true was that nice men don't ask me out. Nice men aren't interested in me.

I feel like there is something I am doing wrong. I know I am not as social as I would like to be out in CA. I thought I was going to have more friends than this. I was so excited to get up here and meet new people. I thought I had it all figured out because I would be hanging out with Sean, and that would be the start and solution to everything I needed as far as companioned comfort here in CA.

I didn't see it coming that he was already to be back in NY byt the time I got here in CA.

When I had started to give up on him, I went on Craig's List just to see what would happen if I solicited a woman seeking man ad. I got so many responses, it blew me away. there was one guy I was interested in that seemed to be promising that I had gotten enough courage to go and meet, and he dropped off the face of the Earth.

I realized I had this open invitation to hang out with David, so I opted to see what he would do. After about 2 months of email tag, we finally hung out 2 weeks ago for the first time.

He seemed so perfect. Handsome, nice manners, excellent vocabulary, good conversationalist, although I felt like I was on a job interview since he kept asking question after question...

Well, I heard one sentence from him since, and now nothing more than a week later.

I know he is going to Alaska next week for the Iditarod. I am way jealous, and I was hoping that would be a great tie for us to continue talking. I still think he is a busy guy and doesn't have much time. Although I know if a guy is interested, it doesn't matter, he'll call. I just keep praying that if nothing works out with David, a nice guy will finally come my way.

I confess

I admit something now, that I will probably look back on and shake my head.

I actually was motivated to quit smoking to have a chance with David, more than or my health.

My mom's recent heart surgery wasn't enough to shock me out of quitting. But a man was the reason. Not a guy I was in a committed relationship with, but one I had only met once.

WTF is wrong with me?

I know I did it in part to help my mom quit, but the sadness is, I am disappointed in myself that I couldn't have done this on my own earlier.

I am hoping that my Mom, Jess, Weez, and Dad all can quit on the Chantix like I have.

I hope if David ever finds out that I quit smoking because of him how much of an honor that is.

finally gonna do it

I am going to go to Long's and get some comp books. I am finally going to write my story. I figure I'll do it in the form of letters. Letters to people I have always wanted to say things to. This will also be a good form of therapy I think.

I am a very good letter writer. I may not hve the widest of vocabularies, but I do get my point across, and I do it well.

I've also decided to leave David alone.

It took him almost 5 weeks to meet up with me after I firs made the suggestion. It also took him almost 3 just to respond to the first of the emails I started to send him.

It took im 36 hours to respond to a thank you email.

He still hasn't responded to an emai I sent yeserday asking th epeople I knwo in the area where a good ER or urgent care center is.

If he's not interested romantically, fine. Don't dis a person you just met.

if he's being silent to give me te hint, he can fuck himself. And he's some sort of savant hacker, so if David, you are reading this, keep reading. You're a scum for prying into my business.

I am a lonely person, and I have way too much time on my hands.

I am ready for a romantic relationship, but I am also taking friend applications as well. I fnd yu attractive, smart, and intimidating in a good way. I figure ou're a really busy guy, so I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. I'm just going to quit for now trying to contact you. I think at this time in our lives we are polar opposites as far as time on our hands.

If you ever wanna hang out, gimme a call or an email. Most likely I'll be free.

done for?

So, I am sick today, and I sent out a safe email to the people in CA who live close enough to help me. David included. So far, I have not recieved an email from anyone. I guess eveyone is out enjoying the holiday except me.

I hope that the one liner email I got from David last week wasn't the last.

I can't be stuck here in CA with 2 friends to hang out with and that's it.

Corissa drives me crazy adn Nicole is so unpredictable, I really don't know when we could hang out.

wow

I just woke up after about 20-22 hours of sleep to find myself with a headache, started mt period, and still no response from David. Although I am doing what is best for meby reading He's Just Not That Into You, and finding alot of things in there that apply to him, I am still gonna give him a try and see what happens.
I want to ask him out sometime next week, and see if I can discuss AK with him since he says he is going in a few weeks for the Iditarod.
I know how to weasel into his business to try and get more interaction with him.

I have this feeling that he is really occupied by his business and has little time for other things sometimes. IE-dating, hanging out with new friends when there are old ones that dont take effort andtime to get to know.

I am not making excuses for him! I just have afeeling about how his life is. For all I know, I could be way wrong, and I could be making an ass out of myself right now for all this.

It all b oils down to the fact that I hate being single and I will keep hoping that each new uy will be the last I have to pursue. I am 28 years old, and I am scared of being single for the rest of my life.

I have been having suicidal thoughts

I had a really bad day today.
This all started at the beginning of my week after my date with David.
I came home with a renewed sence of motivation to become a healthier person and to quit smoking.
Yes, in some sort of weird way, I would be doing this all for a guy, but in the mean time it would really help with my self esteem.

My self esteem.
Big joke.

I am happy with who I am on the inside. I am funny, smart, charming, attractive. I know I am a good person. I love what I do for a living. I know I make people feel better. SO why can't I be happy just the way I am?

I am figured out that I have way too much free time here in CA> I have very few friends, and even fewer to hang out with. I have Corissa, but our schedules are so different, that we don't get to spend much time together.




I have been able to link all of my adult issues with what I had gone through as a pre-teen and early teen.
When I was 11, I was picked on and beaten up by several of the kids in my class in the 6th grade.

I have realized that my need for attention, my outspoken behavior, my sense of humor, my earlier years of promiscuity have all stemmed from that.

I also have abandonment issues due to the fact that my teachers and administrators didn't help fix the situation. I know my parents went through hell and back trying to get some resolve out of the situation, and they had to give up too.

On top of all that, I have battleing eating disorder since I was 16 years old.

I think my problem with staying in my bad adult romantic relationships is because of this too. Even though I know they were bad boyfriends and not good for me, I stayed with them as long as I could no matter how sad I was because I wanted to have a sense of feeling loved and part of a loving relationship. Even though I was probably miserable at the time. This is probably a big reason why I had such a hard time getting over Jamie for so long.


Going back to the title. I have had so much free and alone time since I have been here in CA, that I think WAY too much.

I know I am only really thinking about this since I have had such a rotten aweful day. I only slept for 2.5 hours, woke up, and had a hard time trying to go back to sleep. I found myself getting upset, and I called my mother. I ended up crying hysterically and had a really hard time calming down. Before I called her I took a half a mg of xanax to help.

Mom said she was worried about me wanting to kill myself. I have made some comments to her lately which have been wuite alarming, and I can't blame her.

I wa having some really bad time with my reflux, and I couldn't get it under control. I was secretly hoping I had some type of stomach or esophageal cancer so that I could be sick and lose weight. I still wish I could have surgery and have half my stomach removed so I could lose weight. As far as I am concerned, my physical body has been the reason for most of my mental illness, and that shit should be covered by insurance if you ask me.

I am extremely jealous of my mom since she has lost about 20 lbs since she had her open heart surgery, adn of course she wasn't trying.

I have been dieting since I have been in CA. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't Ilose weight by eating healthier? I am eating 3 types of diet pills, 3 times a day. So far I have noticed a slight difference in my apetite, and I feel the need to force myslf to eat. I have Taco Bell tonight as a comfort food, since I deserve it because I have had such a bad day today.

Now here's what I am feeling. I have been thinking of killing myself, but I knwo that I could not carry it out. I have a patient right now that is completely blind because he tried to shoot himself in the head. I don't want to take that risk, plus I don't want to risk missing a shot at going to heaven if it really pissed God off that much.

I hjave thought that if maybe I had a broken bone or something I could get a little sympathy. Maybe if I cut myself on purpose but made it look like an accident
somewhere bad enough to where I needed stitches I would feel better. People cut themselves all the time, and even though it's a problem, it makes them feel better.

A big problem that is my fault id that I quit taking my Cymbalta and got a script from my doc for Zoloft. I am probably going through cymbalta withdrawel, and I knwo that when I have gone through it before I have been this way. I also started taking Chantix the other day, adn I have heard some pretty weird stories about how people had mentally changed and some had tried to kill themselves.

If I am still feeling luike this a week after I see my Mom, wich is in 2 weeks, I will have myself checked into a psych facility. I really need therapy. But of course, the one thing I want that I feel could fix everything is if I had a boyfriend. If I could be happy with some one, I would be spending less time alone, and in a positive environment.

Of course I lied to my MOm and told her I was taking the Zoloft already, when in actualiity, I haven't gotten the script filled yet. If I can remember, I need to go to Targeyt tomorrow and have my meds filled.

I also ensured Mom that I was taking the medicine. I think I am PMSing as well, so of course all of this is just becoming a mountain out of a mole hill.

I keep wishing it would all go away. I keep praying to God for him to help me. I am not mad at him, I just don't understand why he is testing me.

Mom wants me to leave CA and move back home. Truth be told, I lied to her about one of the reasons why I wanted to stay here. I am hoping that this whole thing with David is just the stupid BS beginning of realy dating, and that we could have a nice and happy relationship. Him or anyone really. I just know that the situation would be great if something good developed because I know he is wealthy (which is not the reason I like him) and if there were ever to be a situation where I could move in, I could save money, he could take care of me, I could get a part time job, adn I could go back to school and not have to move back in with my parents.

Mom is so desparate for me to move back. I just have a guy feeling that if I stay a little longer, something, I don't know what, but something really good will happen to me and I don't want to leave just yet because I don't want to miss out on what I feel is out there for me.

If I left in May, after this assignment is over and I couldn't geta new one, I promised her that I would move back home. I would at least be closer to Susie and my family, but I would feel like a failure that I couldn't achieve anything ehile I was out here in CA. I would feel like I would be giving up or something. Even quitting. Those are 2 things I don't ever want to do. I don't want to be labled a quitter. NEVER.

I do, however keep finding myself screaming on the inside that I want to go home. But where? Home to my apartment here in CA? Where I find myself saying I want to go home the most?
Home to TN, with Mom and Dave?
Home to STL, with the rest of my family and move in with Dad until I get my shit together?

Mom had mentioned that she was going to call Dr. Phil. I think I might look that up myself. I would hope that if I did end up going on the show that people wouldn't recognize me, adn that I could get the therapy I needed and that maybe, just maybe, he could give me the money I needed to go to school or something like that. They do it on his show from time to time and so does Oprah. If I got a financial handout, I think I would be more willing to give up travelling to go back to school. One could only hope and pray that I could have that happen to me. Nothing like that never does.

you gotta be kidding me

So, I tried to start a new entry last night regarding my date with David. I am still trying to debate whether he thought it was a date or just meeting someone new. I have to say I am quite interested in hime, but I am still in a fog as to how to read this guy.

I was told by several of my gf and my Mom that I shouldn't call or email him, and wait for him to contact me first. To be honest, I don't want to live with regrets, and I hate playing the dating games.

Who calls who first?
Who makes the first move?
Blah.

Well, like I said, I didn't want to have any regret, which is why I asked to see if he was interested in meeting up some time in the first place. He was all game, since he is the first one to say he was willing to show me around.

ANyhow, I thought the date was a success, we hit it off, had lot's to talk about.

My inpatient self was kind of hoping I would have an email waiting for me when I got home from him telling me he had a good time etc...

No.

So, I took my friend Holly's advice and I emailed him. I said thanks for sinner, I had a good time, it was nice to meet you and I hope to talk to you soon. I sent this at about 830P last night, and when I got up today, I got a response.

At first I smiled and was very anticipant to see what he had to say in response.

This is what I got Back-

Sarah,
It was very nice meeting you too!

-David

WTF?

How the hell do you read that? I fucking hate this. The only thing I really want is a nice guy that likes me and treats me nice. He seems to be a guy with real manners, and a non sleaze-bag.

If he is just trying to be nice, I would have rather him be a complete dick and not respond at all.

How am I going to follow up with this?

What a fucking week.

I would like to ask him out to dinner or bowling or something, but for some reason, this guy intimidates me. Not in a bad way. But sionce I can't read him, it's hard for me to see if I should ven muster up any guts to even try.

I am going to wait a few days. I am going to meet up with my friend Nicole tomorrow, and I have Saturday off. Maybe I can be ballsy enough to see if he'd be interested in bowling. I dunno.

I am so sick and tired of being single.

date?

I am sitting here at work, waiting to get off, so I can go to the store, get some razors, a pair of balck slacks that fit, and get ready in enough time for a proposed date with a guy I met on the internet, David.

Long story short, I met him online while I was still in Alaska, and we had discussed meeting when I was to get here in CA in October. I blew off the idea, since I was to be with Sean, having all the stupid dreams and plans in my head that had gone awry. I forgot about him for a while, and then I decided to contact him and see if he still wanted to meet up at some point in time. Well, tonight is supposed to be the night.

I haven't heard from him since Thursday night. I sent an email this morning to see if tonight was still on, and I have yet to hear from him.

I am going to hold up my end of the bargain. I will be at Sapore-Italiano in Burlingame at 7PM. I am hoping that I won't get stod up again, as I was stood up technically by Sean. Only time will tell.

I have to work nights tomorrow night and Thurday and Friday from MN to 8AM. I am sure I will have plenty of time to type away with all of my thoughts and experiences for this week.