crazy

I am secretly planning a move in one year to London if I don't find love and satisfaction here in the states. I am tired of Americans in general.

There. I said it. I just may actually do it.

I will be a bride some day. If that doesn't happen, there is no use for me being here. I dream of him. I don't know what he looks like, what his name is, how old, how tall. I know nothing. I just know that I am a deserving person, and that some day he will find me.

because i stalk

http://www.acp.edu/PDFs/PostscriptSpring2003.pdf

lately

I have been thinking alot about Sean and Jamie alot.

I have exchanged a few emails with Jamie since he has been in Iraq. I have had increased feelings for him lately, and I think the prime suspect is time alone to think. I just have way too much of it.

So I decided to write him a letter. A long letter. I bought a smaller sized spiral notebook the other day, and I have been writing in it almost daily my thoghts about us, and my feelings to him, as a form of therapy. I can't bring myself to tell him my true feelings, so writing it down on paper takes a load off. Maybe one day I'll give it to him. WHo knows?

I need to do the same for Sean. I just hope that if I can do all this so-called therapy, one day when I am not thinking about it too much, the REAL Mr Right will appear, and I can laugh at all my nonsense.

Of course, I am mad at the both of them for allowing me to be led by a string, but in the same right I did it to myslef. I have NO reaqson WHATSOEVER to have feelings for either of these men. Just so happens, I do anyways because I have nothing else better to do.

FUCK!!!!!!!!

Why is that when I tell people my guidlines for a man that I would be interested are, they tell me I will be single for a long time?

My requirements are:

never married
never widowed
never divorced
no children
no older than 5 years my senior

Why is that people think there is no such man? Why am I the last of my friends to be in a good relationship, not married yet, or having kids? I have several friends, and even though I love them dearly, I am still insanely jealous of them for having something that I know most of them take for granted.

dream

So, I am dreaming of being in some weird restaraunt, and I am at the counter organzing my purse, and there is Sean, standing there, but not looking directly at me. I drop my things after I notice him, and instead of saying anything, I look him in the face with disbelief, and I throw my arms around him and his him as best I can. After his iniial 2 seconds of shock, he throws his arms around me and kisses me passionately in return.

I asked him why he was there, and in my dream, he said, "I felt you. I didn't know it was you I was feeling, but I knew something was here for me."

We gathered my belongings, he ate some M&M's, and he held my hand and we walked outside.

We didn't talk much in this dream. We held hands walking down the sidewalk and ended up sitting on a bench in a park, watching some performance about gardening.

Then the alarm went off. My fairytale was over.

I also had a bizzare dream last night involving my whole family. We were all at a fancy seafood place that in real life, doesn't exist. But in my dreams, it is a really good restaraunt and I really ove the place, but the last time I was there I didn't get to eat my entree. I don't remember why.

But in this dream, we are at this eatery for my birthday. my whole family including me is shit-faced drunk and my Mom and my sister end up flashing everyone. I throw a huge fit and they end up getting me arrested. After I a released they try to throw a suprise party for me to make it up, but I get really upset again and cut y hand pretty bad and end up having to go to the hospital to get it stitched up.

Then there was a piece about me in a theatre, and some pirate ship coming out for all to view and when it came out it bounced on the water like a hydraulic car.

My mind is weird.

mistake?

Wow, I have been making many lately. I think I made a HUGE one.

I got a chihuahua from the pound on Thursday. She's super sweet, and loveable. I just think she's too much for Chloe adn I am considering taking her back or finding someone I know to take her. I have a bad feeling that it won't ework out and might get dangerous between her adn the cat, adn I am scared one of them might get hurt in a fight.

The dog is already costing too much money. I spent 105 for the adoption, and over 200 already for doggie things and such.

I am wishing I havdn't done it, and that I should have listened to my Mom. I am going to ask a lady tomorrow if she wants her. Her name is Barb, and she already has a rat terrier, and she doesn't like it being alone. I mihgt have a good handle to work on here. I would only ask for the adoption fee amount, and I would give her the food and stuff, adn try to get a refund on whatever I could from PetSmart, since they have a pretty good return policy.

I am going to pray that all this works out.

In a perfect world, CHole would like other animals and this wouldn't be a problem.

I am just really ashamed and don't want to tell my mom. I hate to say it, but I am going to give this until Wednesday. If this does not pan out the way I want it to, I will take the dog back (if Barb doesn't want her)and tell Mom and everyone that I think would scold me that CHloe hissed, and the dog tried to bite her and that was the end of it. Sounds like a believable enough story I think.

I hope this works out the way it was supposed to be, and no matter what the dog gets a good home.