oh what a night

A few weeks ago I emailed and old friend from when I was in the Army on active duty.
He found me on Myspace a while back and I have to say when I saw he found me, I felt my heart drop a bit. His name is Mick and we instantly became friends when we met at the beer garden in Texas at the Air Force base I was stationed at. I knew early on he was sweet on me, but I didn't do anything about it, nor did he.

We, he phoned me this evening, and we talked for over 2 and a half hours. It was quite lovely. I don't know if back in the day I had true feelings for him, but I think after a long while that I maybe did, and was too scared to do anything about it. I am pretty sure I was worried about losing him as a friend if anything went awry.

So, this evening started out okay, talking the usual catching up bit, and then I realized he had been drinking. Not a big deal, as I drink in the evening myself. BUT- he did proclaim that he was in fact, desperately infatuated with me and I quote 'would have gone balls to the wall' on me if the chance had arisen. NOW-I do believe he still means that if he had the chance, he would still take up on it, and I think I would go for it.

He told me that there hadn't been a time passed 98 that he hadn't thought of me, and this makes me a little sad, since I know the feeling. I felt that way about Sean, and God knows now what he is up to, and I don't think I will ever know.

The weirder thing is that Mick said some things tonight that were almost direct quotes from the first time Sean and I talked since we'd last seen each other in 98.
A few differences were that Mick says he loves me. DO I believe it? Yes. But I think he is having a case of the lonlies and I just happen to be someone he would feel better talking to. I know he always was a little sweet on me. I love him too, but in the friend way, and the little crush I always had on him stayed my feelings. I hope one day he knows I never forgot about him either. We got our first tattoos together :)

Another almost exact thing Mick did was beg me to come to Maryland and 'be' with him. In addition, he wished to go to NYC. Another creepy coincidence, since 2.5 years ago, I was talking to Sean about the very same thing.

So, if I go to MD, would I be doing the same thing I did when I went out to CA for Sean? I think not, but the similarities are way too odd. I was already thinking about a travel assignment to MD after AK, and then meeting up with Mick anyhow. So whats keeping me? I think the apprehension is clear. I don't want to get fucked over again, and I know if I go over there, we will hook up, etc... But to what extent will things go? I guess time will tell, and I have 3 more moths to sit on it.

He fell asleep I assume while we were talking, and I told him good night, although I don't know if he was coherent enough to hear or acknowledge me. I sent him a text msg goodnight, and I think I will send him an email too just so he doesn't forget.

I haven't spoken with him since 1998 or 1999. Amazing how 10 years can change a person, and what can happen to someone in that amount of time.

Being the silly foolish girl I am, I kinda want this to be it. I want it to work. I have failed miserably in the love department, and something tells me that if things worked out, something cool could come of all of this. Of course, I am a stupid girl, and I think like this alot.

We'll see.

Christmas Eve used to be the best part of the holidays. Waiting up all night to hear if Santa had come in yet. I remember one year my sister and I were up at midnight when we discovered the presents under the tree. We got to open our presents right then, much to our parents dismay

I want those days back. I hate this bloody holiday. I want to go home.

again, I am profoundly surprised

Yes, for sure I know now, that I am totally over Jamie. It only took me sooooo long, but I am so glad I can finally get it off my chest.

I am writing. Not the story I had originally wanted to write, but a story noe the less that will have people unknowingly understand my pain.

I plan to write a book about the challenges I faced as child from being picked on, but I will get to that when I am done with my current novel.

I'm in th emood to clean today, and I am glad I feel better about myslef.

dear jamie

I am so over you, and I couldn't be happier. I hope I get to see you soon, but I am happy that now I no longer have any emotional clutches.

crazy

I am secretly planning a move in one year to London if I don't find love and satisfaction here in the states. I am tired of Americans in general.

There. I said it. I just may actually do it.

I will be a bride some day. If that doesn't happen, there is no use for me being here. I dream of him. I don't know what he looks like, what his name is, how old, how tall. I know nothing. I just know that I am a deserving person, and that some day he will find me.